Day 15

Weird stuff going on.

I'm a cyclist. I've done amateur racing but mostly I ride for the physical and psychological benefits of the exercise. Today I woke up with a sore throat and that means no exercise for awhile. When I don't exercise my stress level is a lot higher than normal. This doesn't relate to anything else I'm writing, it's just important for me to be aware of my stress.

I'm also training to be a day trader. Last night I increased the intensity of my internet filter so that I can't use the computer to browse the web aimlessly for hours. I did this because I found myself hopelessly trying to find some kind of pornography that the filter did not block. Well the filter cut off the internet to my trading software and I was unable to trade this morning. I had a choice. I could call my girlfriend at work and ask for the password so that I could trade or I could just take the day off. I opted to take the day off because I knew that if I got my hands on the password, I'd eventually succumb to my urges for pornography.

I fixed the filter so that it doesn't block my trading software and so that it does filter out all web browsing aside from my mailbox, this blog and a few services such as my banking.

Today was interesting though. Because my computer was utterly blocked until my girlfriend got home, I spent the day cleaning the entire apartment, cleaning my bike and taking it to the bike shop and reading a book.

I felt very productive despite feeling sick and I attribute this to not having the internet to play with.

nomorep0rn brought up some interesting points about pornography and cheating on his blog http://nomorep0rn.blogspot.com

I don't mind being on either side of his argument. The one thing I feel strongly about is the guilt associated with pornography even if you consider it cheating.

Guilt is an emotion that we all feel but I don't believe in it is a useful emotion. A lot of guys talk about feeling guilty about their pornography use as if they deserve the negative feeling. This is just a trap we set for ourselves. We look at pornography and then we punish ourselves by feeling guilty then when the guilt fades we look at pornography again. The reason this happens is because guilt is a lame punishment. All it does is make you feel negative and down on yourself which then causes you to feel stressed out. When a human being is feeling negative, down on himself/herself and stressed out, they seek escape. Pornography is a behavior we use to escape and its often the easiest form after one of these guilt sessions we give ourselves.

Guilt therefor is a trick we play on ourselves.

YOU SAY: "Oh I'm so terrible for looking at porn. OK now that I feel negative and have shown remorse, my debt is paid."

Then something stressful happens, your guilt makes you feel like hell or perhaps an area of your life your uncomfortable with stares you in the face and its straight back to pornography.

I say forget guilt, forget about putting yourself down, if your going to get what you want out of life you need to reprogram your thoughts. Stay positive and seek out what you want. Stop playing tricks with yourself. If you don't know whether or not your playing tricks with yourself ask yourself this. Am I doing what I want to do with my life? If not then your probably spending a great deal of your time (life) justifying, making excuses, and flat out lying to yourself.

One thought I had today was this:

If knew that my future son or daughter were to walk almost exactly in my footsteps, how would I live my life from this moment forward?

The question is legitimate. Children learn a great deal about how to live life from their parents. Now I don't want children right now but I'm not foolish enough to think that I can change overnight when that day comes. I want to to start living a life worth living now.