Monday, October 27, 2008

Day 69

I had a dream last night that I looked at pornography and felt terrible. I woke up kind of upset, thinking it was real. I was relieved when I realized it was just a dream but I have to take note of how some of my last attempts came to an end soon after dreaming that they would.

I'm relaxing this week as much as possible. I'm learning how to slow down and do what I want to just to enjoy myself.

I talked to a girl while I was at work and gave her my number. We talked about how when she meditates, she gets all nervous because she has all these intruding thoughts about how she should be doing this or that.

I've been having the same problem this week as I've been trying to just lay back and relax. I feel compelled to do productive stuff.

Then I remind myself that I'm sick and I just have to focus on recovering right now so that later when I'm back to 100% I can be productive.

But the stress of fighting this compulsion to get back to work is making my urges for pornography pretty strong at times.

I haven't been without pornography this long many times since I was like 15. I'm 22 now...

One thing that I've noticed is that in most of my other attempts... when I've gone quite awhile without pornography I start getting ambitious and try to quit masturbation as well. That, I believe, caused my downfall or at least played a part in my giving in to pornography.

I don't have any intention of quitting masturbation right now. Maybe once I've clearly broken the urges for pornography after maybe 500 or so days without pornography I'll attempt to lay back on masturbation for the increased energy and desire it brings.

OR possibly if I meet a girl and I'm having sex often enough.

Tomorrow is day 70 without pornography. I know I'm going to make it til tomorrow.... one day at a time...

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