Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I choose not to be ashamed

I broke down and looked at porn.

I don't know quite yet what caused the strong urges I felt but I went from not caring about porn at all to being compelled so strongly that not even the fact that I would be breaking a 67 day streak stopped me from looking.

I tied my second best attempt exactly.

All I can say is that I've been stressed lately cause of work and excessive exercise due to commuting by bike. I also went a week without masturbating which may have played a part... On top of that I've felt like a complete wuss lately. I've had opportunities to talk to girls and flirt and I've been experiencing a lot of fear around it for what reason I don't know.

I'm disappointed but the fight must go on.


  1. Are you still out there? I am married to a wonderful man who was single for 7 years and used Internet porn for 14 years before we met. I do not want that in our marriage, and we are talking about how to move forward. As you describe in this blog, stress and the need to feel personal power are stated triggers for him. I understand, and am also frightened by research such as this:

    He read the article, and I know he wants us to have a long and happy marriage. I also know he may fail in his attempts to quit porn. Possibly several times as you have (it is more than just a matter of will). The thought pains me deeply, and I am also dedicated to loving and supporting him through the challenge. That includes continuing to communicate and learn and take risks sexually and with my own personal struggles. I am not always honest about my needs, desires, fears, or disappointments. So it is a journey we are on together.

    I read all your posts and would like to share this content with him. Sadly, the last entry gives no indication of what happened on your 10th attempt to quit. I feel somewhat disheartened. You seem so intelligent, self-reflective, and full of promise.

    If you are out there, I would very much like to read an update. I don't even know you, and I have love for you and your dreams. Surely I am not the only one.

    A Reader in Austin, TX

  2. Click on the title of the blog and it'll load the most recent posts. There has been quite a few.