Thursday, October 26, 2006

Day 58

I dreamed that I broke down and looked at porn. Man I felt bad... I just wanted to write that before I forget. I'll probably add more tonight.


Freud said we dream about what we want.

Lets say he's 100% correct. I want to look at porn even though I know I'll feel really bad about it because I'll feel like I've let myself down. If this is true, I would put it alongside my desire to slap some girl I've never met on the ass and perhaps grope her boobs without saying a word. Yeah, at some basic level I have a desire to be sexual with strangers but I don't actualize those desires because this screwed up simulation we're living in has consequences. I'm also bound by some moral sense outside of fear of consequences, so you don't have to write me angry emails (but you can if you want). Anyways, if this is the case... so what, my perception of the balance between the fun involved vs. the consequences in looking at porn favor my decision to quit.

If Freud is wrong then this dream was merely an expression of my fear that I will fail. Am I afraid of failing? I suppose I fear caving in while in a weak state of mind: late at night, feeling lonely, that sort of thing. I've had that happen a few times and I noticed my urges were stronger but I held on to my goal and here I am at day 58.

Anyways I gotta get to bed.

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