Friday, May 07, 2010

Day 20

My urges for pornography have grown strong. I'll try my best to describe them. It's like this pulse that happens maybe 0-5 times a day. This pulse of desire hits fast and then fades depending on whether or not I dwell on it or distract myself by doing something else - like going for a bike ride.

I've had these pulses since day 1 but they just were not as strong. Now, at day 20 they have grown to the point that if I had unlimited access to the computer, I'd cave in. (Read prior posts about how I set up my computer with passwords that don't allow me to log on without the help of my girlfriend).

I really enjoyed reading the comment on my previous post. It made an excellent point about doing or not doing something and staying out of the grey zone of "trying."

That is an excellent point. I want to approach that mentality carefully. I do not want to use denial to accomplish a do or don't mentality.

It's easy for me to say:

"I used to look at pornography and now I simply do not."

However, it is important to acknowledge that I still have strong desires for pornography. For me to state:

"I have control over these desires,"

may actually help provide the power to resist them to a degree, but it also involves completely forgetting about the many times before now where I adopted that mentality and then caved to pornography in a weak moment.

I've already had weak moments during this attempt where I've been home alone and just completely ready to watch pornography were it available.

I think I will stick to keeping my computer off limits except when my girlfriend is present and on top of that begin slowly adopting confidence in my ability to be around a computer and only use it for email, account information and journaling.

However, I'm cautious about being overconfident when I've experienced so many times before, being many days into an attempt to quit pornography and then caving in a weak moment.

I think its highly possible that this combination of strategies could work.

I'm apprehensive and cautious but I do think it's important for me to begin working on my mentality and confidence in redirecting my sexual desire for pornography towards my girlfriend, perhaps just fantasy when I'm alone, or even better: towards other goals I have in my life that aren't related to sex at all.

I think I'll start by asking a question that I'll take time in answering.

How do I redirect my strong pulses of focus and desire for pornography towards my career, health, and spirituality goals?

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