Monday, January 25, 2010

The Pot Has Boiled Over

Two days ago I sat hunched over at the computer while my girlfriend slept in the bed a few feet over. I was looking at pornography and she was crying not sleeping.

When I finally came to bed I found her blanket wet from tears and I knew at that moment that big changes were about to occur.

The shame of hurting her evaporated quickly. I've taught myself to never think hateful thoughts like that because it leads no where.

However, I knew something had to be done. A few ideas crossed my mind but my desire to quit pornography faded after a day. I found myself saying "whats the point in trying" when I thought about all the progress I made in the past, such as going over 100 days without pornography, only to find myself back in the same old mindset and habits of looking at pornography daily for hours at a time.

Then tonight my girlfriend came home from work. The door opened and we greeted each other and I felt the familiar excitement of having her warm embrace but then the unfamiliar smell of marijuana.

People have many different views of pot but my girlfriend knows I dislike it. She told me she had quit 6 months ago and here she was with it on her breathe.

We had an emotional talk about the dishonesty we have had with each other about these two habits of which we desire to quit. Now I've taken it upon myself to create a plan of action.

IT'S TIME TO FIGHT FOR VICTORY

We need total honesty with ourselves and each other. The way to accomplish that is for her to get tested regularly and for me to install k9 web protection http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

It's a free program you can install to limit or view what websites have been opened on a computer. You can password protect the program and that's what I intend to do. I'm going to give my girlfriend the password and there's no way I can get on certain sites and no way I can look at pornography without her knowing.

Next I need a back up plan for those times when I feel the need to look at pornography and whens she feels the need to smoke.

These back up plans have to be simple and easy because when I'm under the strain of resisting my urges for pornography I don't have the patience to do anything that requires a lot of thought or effort.

My first idea is to take a walk to some place high. The fresh air and exercise helps reduce stress and the high vantage point helps produce a mentality of looking at the big picture.

My second idea is to go to the liquor store and buy junk food. I would rather, for the time being, eat unhealthy candy bars or what have you then let my addiction to pornography continue. I must have no regret about spending the money or eating unhealthy, this is a substitution that is well worth the cost.

Web browsing or movies/TV are not ideas that I like because they often contain references to sex that have the power to drive me to pornography.

My plan is to come up with further more backup plans and substitutions for pornography and pot until our addictions are overcome.

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