Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Day 24 (76 days to go)

My urges for porn are still a 2 out of 5.

I emailed a girl I met on the bus to hang out later this week.

Oh yeah, something important happened. Yesterday I had the chance to invite a girl I met last week to come with me to check out apartments in the city. She seemed like she liked me last time we talked so I figured it would have been easy to take her out. Instead of doing that though, I ended up just fantasizing about her and masturbating and not calling her.

This is significant.

I avoided the chance to go out with a girl who liked me and instead just masturbated and went on with my day.

So I've done some thinking and I realized why I did this.

There's this whole big thing about how women are attracted to jerks and how nice guys don't get any. When I was younger I was a nice guy and I got it from my dad who has always been a nice guy. I didn't do well with girls because I acted nice and agreeable instead of being myself. But I got mad because I figured that I was being really nice and not getting anything in return.

So I changed and I'm not a nice guy (someone who hides their feelings in order to be nice and agreeable) anymore but I have a fear of dating a girl and ending up a nice guy again once I get comfortable in the relationship. I'm scared I'll end up like my dad... in a relationship where he gives and gives and gives and gets little to nothing in return.

I don't know what to make of this yet.

So the question is... how do I enter into a relationship and ensure that I be myself and get my needs met consistently?

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