Monday, May 19, 2008

Day 9 (91 days to go)

Almost 10 days already.

I've had some urges recently. I get this feeling that it would be really fun to see something specifically in porn and then I get the urge to go find it.

Then I tend to think of this blog and how I would have to write a post on how I caved in and I grudgingly go find something else to do.

So here's whats goin on.

Things that cause me to look at porn:

Lack of friendship - I've been talking to/hanging out with one of ex-girlfriends and a guy with whom I'm learning how to daytrade the stock market. I might hang out with some of co-workers next week.
Lack of fun - I've been doing okay with this.
Lack of relaxation - this has been a problem for me because my schedule is so full but I'm getting by.
Lack of sex - This is bugging me big time. Not only do I have a problem with hating/fearing women. I think I'm also sabotaging my own efforts to get laid.

I met this woman on the bus and we were having a good conversion about the regular stuff (what do you do for a living, what do you do for fun) blah blah blah. And we're having fun laughing about stuff and we talk about movies. At this point I should ask her to see something out in the theaters but instead I ask her if she wants to see a movie that we would have to rent and watch at one of our places which pretty much translates to sex.

In this case, I acted too aggressively. Other times I don't act aggressively enough. And it all depends on the girl. If she likes me, I don't act aggressively enough cause I know she might go along with it. If a girl isn't in to me that much, I act too aggressively because I know she'll reject me.

Why am I doing this? Well I keep going after girls because I do want to get laid but I think the part of me thats angry at women is the part of me that is sabotaging it all.

I'm going to see my therapist today and hopefully figure this out.

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