Friday, November 16, 2007

Day 30

So there were subtle signs that my urges for porn were increasing and now it's happened. I've felt some strong urges to look at porn. Last night I dreamed I looked at porn and I felt really crappy for doing it. I've fantasized about different porn movies I've seen while masturbating. I'm conflicted about what I should do about this. In a way, fantasizing about porn makes me want to watch it again... trying to stop fantasizing about pornography is a good idea. My fantasies aren't nearly as good as the images I remember from pornography and I think it would be a good thing if I worked on that.

One of the most important reasons for why I am quitting is that I don't see myself in the future as someone who looks at pornography. To remind myself of that is a great motivator to stay strong.

On a different topic, its funny how when you are seeing someone, other girls all of sudden gain a great interest in you. I don't cheat and that's mainly for selfish reasons like the fact that I feel a lot of guilt when I do things perceived as bad and that I'm a really bad liar. However, I've felt some desire for some of these girls and that's lowered my attraction to the girl I'm seeing. As a result I haven't had as much sex with her and I'm hornier. That means I feel the need to masturbate more and when I'm masturbating, I've felt a desire to think about porn movies I've seen, just because they get me off a lot faster and better than fantasizing about real people.

I do like this girl though and the affection we share is great. She's only going to be here til December 15th so I can always move on at that point but nonetheless this problem is a bit of a pain in the ass. I'm just dealing with it at the moment but I would like an answer... so I'll think about it.

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