Day 30

So there were subtle signs that my urges for porn were increasing and now it's happened. I've felt some strong urges to look at porn. Last night I dreamed I looked at porn and I felt really crappy for doing it. I've fantasized about different porn movies I've seen while masturbating. I'm conflicted about what I should do about this. In a way, fantasizing about porn makes me want to watch it again... trying to stop fantasizing about pornography is a good idea. My fantasies aren't nearly as good as the images I remember from pornography and I think it would be a good thing if I worked on that.

One of the most important reasons for why I am quitting is that I don't see myself in the future as someone who looks at pornography. To remind myself of that is a great motivator to stay strong.

On a different topic, its funny how when you are seeing someone, other girls all of sudden gain a great interest in you. I don't cheat and that's mainly for selfish reasons like the fact that I feel a lot of guilt when I do things perceived as bad and that I'm a really bad liar. However, I've felt some desire for some of these girls and that's lowered my attraction to the girl I'm seeing. As a result I haven't had as much sex with her and I'm hornier. That means I feel the need to masturbate more and when I'm masturbating, I've felt a desire to think about porn movies I've seen, just because they get me off a lot faster and better than fantasizing about real people.

I do like this girl though and the affection we share is great. She's only going to be here til December 15th so I can always move on at that point but nonetheless this problem is a bit of a pain in the ass. I'm just dealing with it at the moment but I would like an answer... so I'll think about it.