Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Day 46 (54 days to go)

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was up really late looking at crap online and that I eventually, sort of haphazardly, ended up looking at pornography and feeling really guilty about it afterwards.

This has happened before. I dreamed about looking at porn right before ending my third attempt to quit.

This on top of the fact that I've been stressed out lately over losing that girl and fighting with my parents means its a good time to go over the reasons why I'm quitting.

1. To increase my drive to pursue women so that I will risk rejection to connect and have sex with women.
2. To gain back the time lost to looking at pictures and videos of pornography.
3. To motivate myself to establish relationships instead of seek comfort for my loneliness through pornography.

So I might as well look at the reasons why I look at porn too while we're at it: lack of fun, lack of friends, lack of sex, lack of relaxation...

Lack of fun: this week I have some time off work to look for an apartment to move out from my parents but I haven't used much of this time off to have any fun. I did go on some dates last week with that girl that were fun but this week has sucked pretty bad.

Lack of friends: I haven't moved to the city yet and that's kept me from looking into clubs and hobbies and stuff. As soon as I move, I imagine this area of my life being a lot better.

Lack of sex: I got a bj last week from that girl but now shes gone so I'm feeling like sex is unlikely. Specially because I've been in a bad mood about her going off and thats not very attractive.

Lack of relaxation: I've relaxed a lot lately so this one isn't a problem.

So what am I going to do?

I'm going to find a place to live, I'm going to do something fun today, and I'm going to try to lighten up and start flirting with girls again. Last night when I was at work a girl came in and acted flirty with me and I kind of just shut down. I felt kind of hurt when she flirted with me because maybe she reminded me of the other girl and the eventual rejection from that girl. So I'm going to try not to take things so seriously and have a little fun today and tomorrow when I'm at work.

Day 46... I'm close to the halfway mark to 100.

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