Sunday, May 11, 2008

Day 1 (99 to go)

I've decided that its not a good idea to wait until I get laid to try to quit. That's an excuse. I'm going to try again right now.

My first goal is to go 100 days. After that a year and so on. But my focus is to just take one day at a time.

I'm starting this attempt to quit porn at a time where I feel pretty down.

I just saw my ex-girlfriend who I've been seeing as a friend last night. I'm still sexually attracted to her and she told me she wasn't attracted to me and it hurt really bad to hear that. I ended up feeling so angry and sad that I was just screaming at the top of my longs all kinds of crap as I drove home at 90 mph. A cop pulled me over. I told him my girlfriend just broke up with me and I looked pretty miserable so he gave me a warning and let me go.

The one upside is that she pointed out that I was hurting myself. I was causing my own pain. I agree with her. It's my own ego and self-pity that brings me down.

So I'm really trying to understand the deepest issues I have going on right now with seeking approval, feeling responsible for other people's feelings, and my self-esteem.

So why am I trying to quit porn right now?
Seeking approval motivates me to pursue women. I try to get approval from women to make myself feel better about myself. If I stop seeking approval, I stop seeking women.

The other motivators are sex and connection. I can increase my sexual desire by not looking at porn and masturbating less. I think I can increase my desire for connection by figuring out those deep-seated issues (self-esteem, seeking approval, being responsible for other peoples feelings).

So that's whats going on right now in the part of my world that relates to quitting porn at least.

EDIT: Oh yeah, don't hesitate to post an encouraging comment. It means a lot to me.

1 comment:

  1. Hello,

    My name is Luke Gilkerson and I am the editor of Breaking Free, the blog of Covenant Eyes.

    I am getting ready to write about about how pornography addicts use blogging as a form of confession, journaling, and transparency (and maybe helping others). Would you be interested in shooting me an email with some thoughts:

    1. Why do you blog about your addiction/temptation?
    2. Have you been encouraged through your use of a blog? How?
    3. Have you met other bloggers who are doing the same thing?

    Let me know if you are interested in helping me with this! Thanks.