Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Day 2, Ninth Attempt [98 days to go]

I just finished writing the last post 20 minutes ago but after reviewing some of my posts I've found the courage to push on for another attempt.

It's 12am and I got up early so I'm not at my brightest but I want to do something. I realized that this blog is on the front page of google for key words like quitting internet pornography. This blog isn't popular by any means. There's been a little more than 500 hits since the beginning of 2008. About 5 people a day with spikes on some days. Even so, it's exciting to know that a few people are actually searching for stuff like this whether if its just for fun or whatever.

I want to get brutally honest about whats going. I don't want a long drawn out life story so I'll keep it list format.

1. I'm a 22 year old guy.

2. I dropped out of high school, spent 2 years in community college, got accepted to a University of California, spent 1 quarter there and got the hell out.

3. I'm living with my parents.

4. I'm passionate about being my own boss and I want to invest in the stock market for a living. I have a little bit of money and so far I've lost some of it (some would say a lot of it) while learning how to trade.

5. I'm currently looking for a job so that I can move out.

6. I have very few friends. None that I see on a regular basis. I'm not dumb, ugly, disfigured, or even all that weird. I've got issues with friendship probably due to childhood experiences related to moving a lot.

7. I've had very few girlfriends. Three since I started dating at 19. Some will say that's a lot, others think its normal, others think its low, others think the number is irreverent. I don't care. I feel that its low. I feel that its important to meet a lot of different people in your youth in order to get a better understanding of yourself and of the opposite sex.

8. My family is small. I have my dad, my mom, and my brother and he's away at college (or if not he's out with his friends on break). My extended family fought and broke apart before I was born.

9. I had really bad depression on and off through my teens. Exercise pulled me out of it.

10. I've got a lot going for me. There's a lot of people out there who are way worse off than I am. My one complaint is that I'm not happy. The reason for this is that my life lacks 4 things.

A. Friends
B. Women
C. Fun
D. Relaxation

Like I said, making friends has been an issue for me since I was a teenager probably because of experiencing I had when I was a kid.

I've had a lot of trouble with women because of low self-esteem. This has changed in recent years due to a lot of hard work and a lot of learning by book (I didn't have anyone to teach me - my dad is shy as hell).

I can be a really funny guy and I can have a lot of fun. Ever since becoming a teenager, a majority of the time I've been way to serious and way too critical and cynical. Life is about having fun. Being serious has its moments but it should be saved for when loved ones die, otherwise your just wasting time. You're only going to look back fondly on the memories where you had fun. Achievements are nothing in comparison to fun moments spent with loved ones.

Being serious runs right alongside being wound up and stressed out. Some people are motivated by moving away from things in life and some people are motivated by moving towards things. For the longest time, I was in the first category. I got good grades because I was scared of being scolded. I played the good kid in order to avoid punishment. I never learned what I actually liked or disliked, it was all about pleasing and escaping. I've taken action to change that and it's hard to make that transition. It involves becoming a complete lazy bastard. You lose all your motivation because once your no longer afraid, theres nothing to propel you to do the things you normally do.

You end up sitting around not knowing what the hell to do. Then it dawns on you that you have likes and dislikes. That is enlightenment. When you realize that a lot of the things in your life are there because other people liked it, thought it was a good idea, or just plain wanted it themselves, you can free yourself to explore what really matters to you.

What was the happiest day of your life? If you don't know, you're not trying hard enough or you're trying to hide it from yourself. Think hard. I know what mine was. It involved going on a simple adventure with someone I really cared about. And that is the key to my happiness.

Adventure and people I care about (friends, family, lovers).

By now I'm the only one whose ever going to read these words because this post is way damned too long.

Here is my decision. I am making a firm decision to go 100 days without pornography right now. It's day 2 and that makes 100 days June 11th 2008.

I'm going to do some NLP and then hit the sack. I'm also making the decision to post everyday.

2 comments:

  1. Hi,

    I have been and still am in a similar situation. Im 25 and generally happy, except when i look at porn, i cant seem to just glance at it. I always end up wasting most of a day looking at it. I feel like i have taken one big swoop back down the ladder afterwards. When i was 23 i went travelling round the world and this opened up my life from being very monotonous. I met my girlfriend and we will settle down to get married.

    I shared your same feeling of not being able to build friendships with women espeucially. At this time i used to get very irrate and angry with myself for not being able find someone i could love.

    I got on a flight to LA from London on my own to go travel for 1 year.It was the most exciting feeling of my life without doubt. I met my girlfriend after 5 days. All of a sudden my life had changed in a way i could never had predicted in my previous negative mode.
    I hope you dont think im bragging, because im not. All i want to tell you mate is aslong as you keep smiling and keep heart, it will happen!.... one day. Maybe tommorrow. Even though i have a partner i still watch the porn, i hate myself when i do. She wants me to quit and so do i. Got any words of wisdom??

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