Friday, December 21, 2007

End of fifth attempt

I went 25 days. Then I came home for winter break and the first night, the night i got back actually, I looked at porn.

The reason (excuse): Stress... Coming home is stressful, it was a 10 hour drive. I miss college life, its exciting and refreshing, being home is stale and boring. The girl I was seeing left for France, gone forever.

The truth: I wanted to come home... I wanted the quarter to be over and its somewhat less stressful that finals are over. I do miss the girl I was seeing but truth is I want to have my freedom back. I want to be single again... though I'll be saying just the opposite after a few months of no sex (should that be the case).

What have I learned: I think the real reason I looked is that my home or more precisely, my room holds an association with pornography. I've looked at porn for years in my room and so I have an established habit of looking at it here. It's an association... the smell, the look, the feel of it makes looking at porn all that much more enticing.

What am i going to do: I'm going to meditate twice a day (something I slipped up on the last week cause I was in las vegas celebrating my last days with that girl who was leaving) and release my intention to leave porn alone. I'm going to go the next 2 weeks of winter break at home without porn in order to help break that association with my room and watching pornography. I also plan on making my new years resolution to quit porn.

Lastly I want to keep posting on this blog no matter what. I was really hesitant to post here again because I hate making my mistakes public. It makes me feel like I'm not being a good role model but I have no other options. If I stop posting I'll be less likely to quit and what am I going to do? give up? what is that about... what would that mean? looking at porn and hating it and resenting it and feeling crappy about it for the rest of my life.. screw that.

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