Saturday, January 27, 2007

End of Second Attempt

I looked at porn.

Some people get high on drugs or alcohol... I get my high on porn. Ever since starting this second attempt (and even during my first attempt), I've struggled with looking at sex forums so it's not as if I've completely conquered pornography for any particular amount of days.

However, the fact that I was able to go 67 days without pornography in the form of pictures or videos and then 81 days on my second attempt means progress. Ultimately I'd like to switch my "high" from porn to exercising and that's happening as proved by the increase in amount of days I went without porn.

Since I've been exercising more and more during the last few months... I've noticed a significant decrease in my urges...

HOWEVER... the challenge of quitting still remains and that's for these reasons. The reasons why I looked at porn yesterday and today:

I started school this week and it has added stress.

I've felt lonely going to campus and not knowing anybody. The loneliness worked against my confidence to approach women and as a result ive had thoughts that the odds of meeting women are deteriating. None of that is true but that's what was going on in my head.

Stress and loneliness make me want to get high to forget.... and thats where porn comes in and its where alcohol and drugs come in for other people. I suppose porn is better than alcohol and drugs but its not good enough for me.

My life is missing some healthy components.

Friends - I'm lonely cause I don't have a group of friends whom I relate to.
Play - Other than cycling, I don't have a hobby. I tend to think of anything that is fun as being a waste of time and that's just not true. A life spent being serious and working hard is not really a life at all.
Relaxation - Meditation, masturbation are the only things that are relieving stress for me. I think ultimately, when I make the big transition from having the perspective I have now to the perspective proposed by the book "the seven spiritual laws of success," I will vastly improve my ability to relax.
Sex - I live with my parents and I just don't like bringing chicks over here.

The solutions...

Friends - Whatever hobbies I take on will allow me to make friends.
Play - I have my cycling. When I move I may take up surfing. Besides that I don't have any ideas of cheap hobbies. I'm keeping my eyes open and one of my goals will be to experiment.
Relaxation - I plan on masturbating whenever I feel like it for now on. And I'm going to count the days that I go without using the computer to look at anything sex related. I'm also going to include web browsing in general because that often leads to porn.
Sex - I have plans to move out this year. Where I move depends on which universities I'm accepted to. I'm also going to continue flirting with women and pushing myself to be able to approach strangers.

So here's to attempt # 3. I intend to go more than 81 days and I don't really care how far beyond that I go... What's really important is incorporating Friends, Play, Relaxation, and Sex into my life. Porn is a consequence of an absence. Once the absence is filled, there won't be a need for pornography anymore.

The rules this time are this:
I can masturbate whenever I like, but not while the computer is on.
I cannot webbrowse. I must find other things to do with my time. If I'm bored, there's plenty of fun things I can do besides the computer.
the one thing I will permit is looking at news stories. As long as they are relevant and not just entertaining.

I have faith that I can pull this off. It's under my control, I'm committed to doing it, and afterall, its just a challenge. There's a possibility that I might webbrowse just from habit and in that case I will reset the amount of days I've gone and try to learn from it.

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