Day 53

If I could go back to day 1 and do this all over again, I would find someone to support me with this.

It's one thing to overcome the urges to look at porn, mine disapeared around day 40, and it's another to deal with the crappy reasons why you looked at it to begin with. You really have no idea why you look at porn until you quit. It distracts you from all the things you don't like about your life and yourself. I believe TV does the same thing. We're a generation, distracted.

I've been angry, I've been lonely, I've been sad, and I've been scared. In between this stuff, I do find moments to be proud for taking this on but facing life is a bitch. To have situations come up and to not have something to take my mind off it is a mean kind of torture. I was up most of last night realising that my actions make people feel bad in the same way that other people's actions make me feel bad. And I realise how mean I've been to some people... without distractions it's easier to feel guilty and guilt is gross. Nothing like sitting in bed thinking about how much someone hates you.

All of this is a clear, eluminating sign that says "hey you, you're a jerk and now you're going to change or crumple into a ball and die." A jerk is someone who doesn't care or doesn't know how other people feel. I gotta little bit of both going on and that's gonna change.