Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Day 42

Two related issues to talk about RIGHT NOW.

1. I pussed out of asking a girl out when:

a. I want to screw her
b. She most probably is interested in me
c. There's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't have asked her out

Why? I came up with no excuse, I just didn't do it. Asking girls out isn't natural for me yet, it takes effort, so I just sat back and didn't do it.

Now, I haven't been laid in what's felt like years... this girl is cute... and im sexually frustrated... now to go through this situation and forcefully not let it piece together as the universe was trying to do has created one of the most aggrivating feelings I've ever felt... Which leads to issue number 2. we'll return to issue 1 in a moment

2. Why the do I get so angry when I don't masturbate? I don't like to swear so you should be able to figure out how angry I am. My throat feels so tense, I feel like it's goign to explode everytime i swallow. I drove home screaming swear words=-- as the radio and tires screamed. I felt like beating the hell out of someone. this isn't normal...

OKAY, I must attempt to resolve this .

Issue number 1:

I will ask out every girl I've talked to this semester.... tomorrow and thursday... If I run across anyone I've met, I'm going to ask them out just to get even for not doing it for so long.

Issude number 2: The only thing that has changed in the last month is my quitting of porn. I think porn was a way of venting not only loneliness but frusrtation and anger as well. Since I no longer have that outlet, my anger boils over and is released everytime something doesn't go my way.... im overreacting to stuff... i get soooo angry... The solution as taken from:

  • Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
  • Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
  • Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
  • Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
I like "let it be" and I'll visualize this one time a few years ago where I just layed in the sun in the middle of a field. Also "I accept everything that makes up the universe." Breathing is most important.

Okay I'll put effort into recognizing anger and applying these techniques... as im calming down i think that I wanted to feel this anger as a means of motivating myself to change my behavior. not asking that girl out was completely unacceptable. i gotta be able to put a lid on it though... i gotta realise that all i want is to change the behavior and that i dont want this angry feeling to escalate.

3 days without masturbating and already I explode. crazy. screwing with your beliefs and habits is a wicked trip

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