Day 7

Today is day 7. This is getting a lot tougher. My emotions feel stronger, both good and bad. My sex drive is really strong. My wife can't keep up with it so I'm finding myself resisting my urges a lot. I also have noticed that my desire for other women is a lot higher. What's compounding that is they are often attracted to me. When I was younger, I lacked confidence and women didn't pay attention to me. Now that I'm a little older and I have confidence women are flirting with me and it's frustrating. I have no desire to hurt my wife so I resist the urges but it's creating a lot of frustration which I'm dealing with poorly. My strategy so far seems to be positive self-talk and to remind myself that the world isn't all about sex. It's though when I see a woman and I get flashes of sexual imagery with her. It feels like having sex and then stopping suddenly with my sexual pleasure subsiding to frustration of no release. The plus side is that I have more energy. I haven't been able to channel much of it into positive directions yet, although I think it's possible. I really wonder what I'm going to do with all this energy. What's my goal? Sex isn't the only thing in the world and yet I desire it more than ever. It's not like sex is bad either. I just have the dilemma of having a stronger sex drive than my wife. I've tried talking to her about it but it just makes her feel inadequate. She can't raise her sex drive any more than I can decrease mine. We live in a world with infinite solutions and the one I'm taking now, by default, is to hold back a torrent of sexual urge/frustration. Do I channel this energy into productive projects? Do I give up on getting as much sex as I want for the rest of my life? Do I find some method of coercing my wife to have more sex? What about dealing with these strong emotions I"m feeling? Is positive self-talk enough to get me through a storm of negative feelings? It's 5:30 am and I'm lost in all these questions instead of sleeping. This has gotten a lot tougher. I will sit down in meditation today for 30 minutes and explore my situation and some potential answers.

Ok I'm back.

I debated back and forth about posting again and I decided to start up. I've gone 4 days without masturbating/looking at pornography. I decided to do this because I have low energy and drive. I've been medicating myself with pornography for awhile now and I feel numb. I want to feel rejuvenated, ambitious, and confident. After 4 days, I already feel some improvement. In terms of strategy for fighting off urges, I don't have any at the moment. The contrast of feeling numb verses the quick improvement in energy, drive, and assertiveness I've felt in the last 4 days without masturbation is motivation enough to continue. Once the contrast wears off, I'll need something more to avoid falling back into habit. Since quitting, I've noticed how much free time I have. I don't want to stress myself out by filling it with chores and ambitious goals but instead ease myself into fulfilling my potential by doing constructive things that I enjoy like cycling more. I have so many thoughts whirling around in my head. I couldn't sleep well last night and I found myself creating music in my head. I'm not a musician but I could hear different instruments exploring melodies I've never heard before, it was an inspiring moment. I feel creative and lively.

I don't post here anymore but

I noticed that this blog was getting spammed so I set up a spam blocker.

I've been slacking off

I've been slacking off of my visualizations and it's having an impact. I've looked at porn more and more frequently and I've lost my motivation and belief in myself to a degree.

I'm going back to visualizing... It definitely helps and it needs to be consistently used to be useful.

A post from a reader.

The following is a comment from an anonymous reader.


Good luck to you on your ongoing quest to better yourself. Everyone has something they are trying to overcome which blocks them from a sense of unity with God, but rest assured that the supreme being is a part of you, within you, and of you. God sees what you see, even from within the perspective of your own eyes. What occupies your eyes in habit will also occupy your mind. Be sure to change your scenery from time to time. Take pride in delighting your mind by feeding your eyes with positive imagery that would be the delight of God also.

I would also encourage you to take up drawing as a pastime. Especially as a replacement for your urges to view pornography. The practice of drawing is the practice of drawing a world from what you perceive in from your surroundings and from within your own mind. It takes time to render an image, and it's a journey for the mind to follow every fraction of a second along the way to completing a drawing. Try to visualize your subject actively in your mind as you draw. I believe the subject can also be women, if one feels called to, and view it as an opportunity to understand and appreciate fellow human beings rather than objectify them.

I understand your struggle and encourage you in overcoming it. God has not forgotten you nor any of creation. All are saved and purified, in the grand scheme, and the more you walk the correct path, the more you walk the path of God and the closer to oneness with God you are. Take comfort in this knowledge and sin no more.

Why Repetition is Important.

It seems that when it comes to pornography addiction, you can't coast by on all your hard work. When I do my visualizations on a daily basis and I actually put effort into them, I have no desire for pornography and it seems I can go indefinitely without it. However, when I start to get over confident and decide to skip my visualizations, I begin to lose my will power and my temptations return. It looks like that hard work and consistency are both needed to truly succeed. I'm okay with this because at least I have a tool that works, even it requires daily practice.

5 Reasons Why You Should Get Off Your Computer

The internet is a powerful tool. However, it is also a relatively new tool for human kind. Many people aren't aware of just how much time they spend using the internet. Like watching TV, the internet can become numbing, it can put you into a bit of a daze, and it can sap up your time fast. There is a million ways to justify the need to be on the internet and even to be wasting time but is being on the computer for so much time really healthy for us?

This blog is mostly about pornography addiction but the internet in general can be a time waster too so here is a list for why you should find a way to limit your time on the computer in general.

1. Top reason for getting off your computer is because your time, is actually your life. It's easy to forget but all the minutes and hours you spend feeling bored and lazy are actually grains of sand in a big hour glass that represents your remaining life experience. It's not a pleasant thought, but when you are actively trying to blow an hour of time, you are actually asking to have one less hour of your life. Think about time as if you have a limited amount, because you do. Using the internet to blow your time is like being in the hospital and asking the doctor to pull your life support because your bored. There's no difference in wasting your time now and wasting your time when your minutes from death; in the end you experienced less of life because of it.

2. Second reason to get off your computer is because it's possible for you to participate and experience your life, right now, in this very moment. Despite your mind's many excuses for why you have to wait for this or that, you can take action in this very moment to pursue your desires in reality instead of fantasy. You can stand up and walk away from reading this post and go do something meaningful. You have the power to experience life right now.

3. Third reason is that you can do something right now that you will remember on your death bed. You can do something right now that will last with you and inspire you for the rest of your life. You might think that this is impossible but it's not. In a brief, bright moment you can do something right now to change the course of your entire life. I guarantee that when you are close to death and your time is up, you won't be reminiscing about anything you saw on a computer monitor.

4. Fourth reason is real life interaction with people. I'll be honest here. I'm one of the most introverted guys you can meet. 99 percent of my interactions with people are meaningless to me and in most cases I'd much rather stare straight ahead and ignore people than to say hi and enjoy a smile. However, if I recall any of my best memories in my life, the common factor is that they are shared moments. Even if some of the people from those memories aren't around anymore, the memory and meaning of my experience with them stays.

5. Finally, I want to say something that will relate with some of you and not so much with the rest of you. I used to have very poor self-esteem. The internet provided a haven for me. I was able to hide from the world and avoid experiencing my low self-esteem in the real world. If this sounds familiar, you need to think long and hard about whether or not you want to live the rest of your life like this. It's easy to think that hiding from your problems and your fears is the best option. Truthfully, you're not hiding. You can't hide. You exist and consequently your chance to experience this universe is going to slowly slip away whether you hide behind a computer or not. Stop pretending that you can hide from life and learn how to face your fears. Everyone can learn to be brave.

Lets Talk Will Power

First we need some questions.

1. Who has will power?

2. What is will power?

3. Where does will power come from?

4. Why is will power important?

5. How does will power work?

1. Who has will power?

Think about this question. Who in your life has shown great will power? When I think of great demonstrations of will, the common factor is famous people. This makes a lot of sense; people are often famous because they demonstrate something that most people lack the will to do. Fame often comes to people who have shown great will power. This brings us to our next question.

2. What is will power?

Most of us have a fuzzy idea of the meaning behind will power but what does it really mean? The word "will" can mean choice. To have the will to face a challenge means making the choice to face a challenge. Power means ability. If I have the power to do something, it means I have the ability to do something. Will power becomes a combination of choice and ability. A person with will power becomes someone makes choices and has ability. Interestingly, a person with one of these traits and not the other accomplishes nothing. Someone may make choices but without the ability to back up those choices, nothing happens. This is the case with lots of people suffering addiction. They may make a choice to quit something but then can't back up that choice. A person with ability but who does not make choices also accomplishes nothing. A person may have the natural, genetic gift of being athletic but without making the choice to train, they're ability will amount to nothing.

3. Where does will power come from?

So why do some people have will power and some people don't? Is it genetic? Perhaps there is some link but fortunately no one is destine to live forever without will power. I know this because there are many stories of people who have gone from living lives devoid of means and meaning to great power and influence. So how did they do it? Did they get lucky? Maybe some did but some of them made a choice. Some of them made a choice to start making things happen. There's two ingredients to will power: choice and ability; but it all starts with a choice. You have to begin your quest for will power by making the choice to pursue it. Nobody wakes up with a gift of great ability thrown into their lap.'

4. Why is will power important?

So now we know that it isn't easy to acquire will power so is it worth it? The truth is, nothing happens without will power. Everything that you do is because you have enough will power to accomplish it. You wake up in the morning because you can and you choose to. Really, your ability to do anything is dependent on how much will power you have. So whether you clean toilets for a living or retire to your dream home well before 65 is a matter of increasing your will power. This is important to you and you may not even know it.

5. How does will power work?

Strangely enough, will power is a matter of believing. It sounds silly but everything starts in your mind. Your will power is a matter of having certain beliefs about yourself. If you were to convince yourself that you can make whatever choices you desire and that you can back up any choice you make, you would have tremendous will power. You might be thinking that just because you believe in yourself doesn't mean your going to wake up tomorrow with a million dollars and you're right. Will power isn't about doing the impossible. Will power is about believing in yourself and then accomplishing amazing feats as a result of your strong mindset. A person with great will power will work harder and longer than someone with a weaker mind and over time the difference becomes startling. It's a race and will power is the energy and speed to go distances that most people can't handle.

So how do you increase your will power and change your beliefs about yourself? Read this:

http://driveon2985.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-advice-on-quitting-porn.html

I've created a forum

http://quitporn.forumotion.com/

I've created a forum because there are so many people commenting on different posts. I figure this will be a better way for all of us to communicate.

I've tried many things...

This blog is over 5 years old now. I've been trying to quit pornography for a long time. I've also tried many things. I've tried using a diary, affirmations, neuro linguistic programming, porn-free filters, staying off the computer permanently, and attempting to find guidance from God.

Nothing has worked. However, since I've started doing these visualizations (the ones that you can find in my previous post), I've been doing extremely well. I've had no desire for pornography and I'm incredibly empowered.

I can't suggest these visualizations enough... If you want to get real about this, start practicing the things I've talked about.

My advice on quitting porn

How I’ve Successfully Reduced My Use of Internet Pornography

There are 2 simple things that I’ve done to reduce my use of pornography. I use the word “reduce” because I’ve had slip ups where I’ve gone back to using pornography. However, these slip ups lasted a few hours each time and I’ve been without pornography for far less time overall than ever before in my life. Without further delay here are the two things that I’ve done:

· I limit my time on my computer to performing essential tasks.

· I practice intense visualizations every day.

These 2 simple practices have accomplished far more than anything else I’ve tried and here is a little more information about what I’m doing. I limit my time on my computer by making a list of things that absolutely need to be done on my computer in order to get by. Checking my email, keeping this blog updated, and other essential tasks are okay but in moderation. Along with setting a limit on what I use my computer for, I also limit how much time I spend doing these essential tasks. Checking your email and blogs 15 times a day is going to get you in trouble. Limit the time you spend on the computer as well as the websites you visit. Remind yourself that sitting on the computer is NOT spending the limited time you have on this Earth wisely, that you tend to lose your self-control while on the computer, and that you really don’t need to use the computer that much to get by.

The second practice of visualizations is the key to successfully ridding yourself of pornography. Visualizations are a way of slowly changing your beliefs and behaviors. Visualizing is not easy. It takes focus and it takes determination. The fact is that right now you are programmed to use your computer too much and to look at pornography too much. These behaviors are solidly in place in your mind. When you first start practicing the visualizations I mention, you are going to undergo resistance. Resistance is your minds way of combatting change. Resistance comes in many forms. You will find yourself suddenly too tired, too bored, or you’ll find excuses or justification for why you can’t quit porn. Resistance is your mind’s army working against you to prevent change. In order to win this battle, you must use patience. The only way to win is to practice visualizations every day and slowly wear out your resistance. The part of you that wants to quit porn is small and the army of resistance you face will take months to wear down.

The visualizations that have prepared me to conquer pornography are centered on 3 things. The first is my will power, the second is patience, and the third is my desire to rid myself of pornography. These 3 things will enable you to succeed over time. Will power will give you the strength to fight, even when you are losing, patience will allow you to whittle down your resistance, and desire to quit will give you reason to go on.

Will power is the belief in your own ability. In order to gain the greatest amount of will power as quickly as possible, I have shaped my visualization to induce my belief that I have infinite ability. You may find it better to work on the belief that you are greatly capable but I enjoy the limitless sensation of infinite ability. The question to ask yourself is: what would it look like if I was infinitely capable? What would you look like, what clothes would you be wearing, where would you be, what would be going on around you? For me, I see myself wearing a nice suit, on top of a stage, in front of a crowd of cheering people, in a beautiful roman style auditorium with marble columns and exotic plants. The situation for you will differ and that’s good. You want to find something that works for you.

The next important thing, once you’ve figured out your image, is to make this visualization bright, colorful, and big. You want to work on making it clear and realistic. You also want it to be bright and exciting. I visualize bright lights and even fireworks in order to make the image more striking. This is absolutely essential because it gives this image importance in your mind. A dull image will not be important to your brain and it won’t create change.

The next visualization you must practice is patience. Think about patience as stillness. Think of it as keeping your body still and your mind still. When I visualize patience, I think about lying down next to a big rock in a field. I visualize myself being completely still and being clear headed. I think of it as a challenge to see who moves first, the rock or me. Perhaps if I can stay still long enough, an earthquake will crack the rock or an animal will knock it over. The idea is to be so patient that you can outlast something as still as a rock. Again, I like to take it to the extreme to get the most out of my visualizations but you may find something a little more subtle to work better for you. Make this image big, bright, and colorful.

Finally imagine your desire for quitting porn. The way I do this is I visualize myself on the computer. Except instead of normal looking me, it’s a troll version of me. I’m not home either; I’m in a disgusting cave. I also associated something I can’t stand, having my hands dirty, with this image. I did this by imagining that the computer I’m using in my visualization is covered in mud and feces and it’s getting all over my hands as I type. This image makes using the computer repulsive to me. Make this image important by making it big, colorful, and bright but be sure to have an image of yourself getting off the computer and coming back to normal. I don’t want you to think of yourself as a troll.

Practice these visualizations just a few minutes a day in conjunction with limiting your computer use and you’ll notice yourself slowly getting better at staying off the pornography. You might slip up once and awhile but that’s okay. Don’t be hard on yourself. Ridiculing yourself is going to damage your new will power which you need in order to ultimately win the battle. This is about winning the war, even if you lose your first few battles.

It's been more than a month

It's been more than a month since my last post. I've continued doing NLP exercises this whole time. I had one slip up about a month ago but otherwise I've been clean over a month.

The mind exercises have strengthened my will tremendously.

I have tons more confidence in my ability to handle tough situations and I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and giving into pornography to make myself feel better.

Anyone who is serious about quitting pornography needs to try doing these exercises.

Just start practicing imagining yourself having great ability. See yourself as someone who can handle anything. Make that picture of yourself big, bright, and colorful. It takes lots of practice and you'll naturally being inclined to resist creating this image in your head but after a few weeks it gets easier and you start to change.

I also do an exercise where I imagine myself practicing patience. I envision myself laying next to a rock in a field and just laying there still, quiet, and patient. I make this image as vibrant as I can as a reminder to be patient.

Finally, I imagine myself using a computer (sometimes to look at porn or otherwise just using one in general) and I imagine myself as a troll in a cave, hunched over, covered in mud and the computer is filthy. The image really turns me off of looking at the computer and at pornography.

I practice these images 5 minutes a day, everyday. It's been working wonderfully for me.

Day 8

I've passed 8 days without pornography thanks to my NLP exercises.

Now I've started imagining a train filled with images related to pornography speeding away into the distance until it disappears. It sounds silly but it feels very powerful.

Day 5

Day 5 of NLP and it's working very well.

Changing the images in your mind really does impact how you feel. Sometimes not at first but then you'll notice the next day that you're not thinking about the same old things as much.

Day 2 of NLP

I'm making a post on this blog every day when I spend 5 minutes practicing my visualizations.

When I visualize myself looking at pornography, I try to bring up an image of myself from the third person (I view myself as if I'm looking at a home movie of myself) and I also bring up an image of the pornography sites I've visited in the past. Then I try to reduce these images in size, color, intensity etc.

There are many, many images that keep popping up. I have many memories of pornography to work through. I do feel like I'm making progress every time that I do it however.

I also bring up images of myself as a man who is capable and strong. I visualize myself standing strong and full of will and I make this image intense and vibrant.

30 days of NLP

NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming.

It sounds complicated and there are many aspects to it but one of the simplest explanations is that it is about changing your behavior by changing the images in your head.

How do you change the images in your head?

You picture yourself looking at pornography. Then you notice the details of the image. Is it big? Is it in color? Is it bright?

Change the image to look small, gray, and dark.

Change the image so that it is hard to see.

This will influence how you feel about looking at pornography.

This is my goal for the next 30 days. I will spend 5 minutes a day, changing images of myself looking at porn and also images of myself regarding my ability to accomplish what I want.

I am picturing myself as a man who is capable of anything. I change this picture so that it is bridge and big and realistic.

I am also picturing myself looking at pornography as old fashioned, gray, and small.

This is my objective right now.

Day 2

I'm going to be doing some NLP. I'll write more about what that is later on. I did some the first day I set up this blog and it helped a lot.

Day 1, I'm back

I'm back. I've found some motivation to get off the computer. My goal is to just use the computer for important stuff like gmail.com.

I'm going through a rough time

I've been trying to stay off the computer and away from pornography for the last week. It's amazing how easily I convince myself to get back on.

I feel slightly depressed. I know that the computer is an escape from reality for me and I'm drawn to it when I feel bad.

I'm working towards improving my mood and getting the hell off this computer. Even writing in this blog is an excuse to use this thing.

With that said... Goodnight.

Where I'm at right now...

I'm getting married. We don't have a date yet but it'll be sometime next year.

My fiance and I have plans to move the East Coast and start a business. We're saving money up right now.

Pornography is still a part of my life regrettably. I've been feeling depressed this last month and I think that's why I have been using porn.

Things are slowly getting better and I'm being patient with myself.

It's damned hard to live a healthy, balanced life.

I've slipped up

I don't know what to say right now. I've slipped up.

Day 31 Without Pornography

I've struggled a bit with looking at sex forums but I haven't looked at pornography pictures or videos for a month now.

I want to say that change begins with understanding. I've been looking at sex forums because I've been pushing myself really hard these last 2 weeks to get things done. The stress that causes has pushed me to want to escape into fantasy occasionally. I'm not beating myself up for this.

What I'm figuring out about myself is that looking at pornography and masturbating in itself doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the amount of time that I waste doing it when I could be doing something else that's either productive or at least memorable (like going someplace new or taking up a new hobby).

I've got to transition now from looking at sex forums on the computer to just fantasizing and masturbating. The idea is to make baby steps away from looking at pornography for 2 hours, down to looking at sex forums, down to not using the computer at all.

I don't plan on eliminating masturbation all together. I've tried that before and I end up becoming very high strung, impulsive, and emotional. I do plan on masturbating less that I used to because I do enjoy the increase in energy.

My strategy for making the transition from using the computer to just fantasizing is to acknowledge when I'm horny, decide to masturbate (instead of trying to resist), and focus on doing it quickly and without the computer.

Day 25 Without Pornography

My sex drive is erratic. Some days I have no desire for pornography and other days it's barely containable.

Quitting pornography for me is about managing all aspects of my life. Stress is a leading cause of my desire for pornography and managing stress means I have to look at everything that's going on.

Am I over-working, am I having relationship problems, am I sick, am I arguing with someone, am I failing at something? These are all things that can happen on a day to day basis which can make me want to retreat to using pornography.

Another important issue is masturbation. Some people who visit this blog have religions that forbid masturbation. I'm not someone who believes masturbation is forbidden. From my own experiences masturbation relaxes and calms while at the same time lowers my ambition and my interest in achieving goals.

My sex drive is linked to my drive to succeed. The higher my sex drive, the higher my desire to achieve great things. However, when my sex drive gets too high, I get too emotional and strung out. I become attached to accomplishing achievements and begin to get frustrated and angry. Eventually I burn out and seek escape through masturbation. Then I go back to feeling calm and uninterested until the cycle begins again.

The best place to be is in the middle. The only way to get to that moderate level is to masturbate occasionally.

This is how my mind and body works and it may not be the same for everyone.

Day 20 Without Pornography

I've been having trouble with visiting sex forums again.

I've been masturbating less since I've stopped looking at pornography, which is great because I have more energy and passion. The downside, however, is that I've been very horny. This increase in sexual energy makes pornography very tempting.

I've tried to masturbate without pornography and I can do it but it is not as pleasurable as it used to be when I looked at porn. This is frustrating.

I've got to change my attitude towards masturbation. I get frustrated that it's not as enjoyable but perhaps I can slowly change my perspective so that I just enjoy the pleasure instead of getting frustrated by comparing it to the way it used to be.

I'm still very committed. Although I've visited sex forums, I haven't seen any videos or images of pornography for near 3 weeks now.

Day 19 Without Pornography

I'm getting really horny.

Without pornography draining my sex drive all the time, I'm getting a lot of pent up sexual energy.

This week I've been sick and yet I've accomplished a lot. Some of this sexual energy is being put to use to accomplish other more productive stuff but it's also frustrating.

Day 17

If this attempt works to the point that I reach 100 days, I'm going to write a book.

I haven't been able to completely commit to following guidance from God in every situation but it has kept me clean from pornography for the last 17 days.

It is interesting that as someone who newly believes in God, I've found the strength to stay off pornography but other people who are more religious than me, have had difficulty with pornography. It's not enough to simply believe in God and understand that what is best for you is not to use pornography. There is quite a bit more going on here.

I'm going to comb through this blog and compile my experience and knowledge on quitting pornography.

There doesn't seem to be any key or secret to qutting pornography. You have to throw everything you've got at it.

If I can reach 100 days and continue to stay clean then maybe I can figure out how to present what I know so that others who are struggling can escape this destructive cycle.

Day 14

I'm always surprised when I begin to notice an increase in my sex drive when I've gone a few weeks without pornography. The difference is striking. My sex drive increases quite a bit once I stop looking at porn for a few weeks.

Day 11 Without Pornography

I've realized something. I have tried a few times to sort of just let go and let God make decisions for me. It doesn't work. Maybe that sounds stupid but it was an honest experiment. I can rely on God to provide guidance but I can't give up my decisions or control to God. I can accept God as an authority that means well for me and I can serve or follow guidance but I can't completely step back and just watch...

I have been very productive and calm these past 11 days. Things are going well. I'm a little disappointed that I'm not asking God for guidance as much as I'd like to. I thought it would become a habit in every moment but it hasn't. It's going to take work.

I haven't looked at any sex related stuff on the internet since my last post about sex forums.

Yeah, things are going well.

Day 7 Without Pornography

Honesty is important when you're trying to quit something. I've been looking at sex related forums the last couple of days. This has happened in the past when I've tried to quit porn. Part of me thinks - well if I can't look at porn then maybe it's okay to look at sex forums.

My girlfriend saw what I was doing and we talked about it. We both want me to not look at any kind of pornography including forums.

I'm not mad at myself. I see this as a normal tapering down of my addiction.
I haven't been asking God for guidance as often lately. I want to remind myself to do this frequently because I believe it helps.

Day 4 Without Pornography

The commenter in the previous post made a good point. Desire for pornography never seems to diminish despite abstaining. I think he's right when he says that it's tied to a natural desire for sex. As long as your sex drive exists, so too will your desire for pornography. This makes some sense to me.

The few times that I've gone 100 days without pornography, I noticed myself saying that I had little desire for porn. I've been able to really focus and drive myself towards redirecting my attention away from porn and towards the things I care about. However, my desire for pornography would return instantly if I began to get stressed out.

If I had a bad day or a string of bad days due to a conflict or an ongoing problem of any sort, my desire to escape and look at pornography would magnify.

When you're feeling good and you're happy, it's much easier to abstain from pornography. When life gets tough, it becomes extremely difficult to manage stress without going back to old habits.

So far, believing in God has helped me find strength in overcoming pornography. It's been 3 months since I last abstained from pornography and here I am ready to give it another shot after canceling my internet didn't do the trick.

God provides a parent-like figure in my life to help guide me when I'm doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing. When I find it irresistible to look at pornography, I ask God what I should do and the answer is to find a healthy alternative. Because God is an authority and I trust that his intentions are to benefit me and my loved ones, I can step back and just accept his suggestion.


I've got to say that being an atheist previously, it is really strange for me to talk about God. I worry about even talking about it because of how serious people take their religions sometimes.

I think it's important for my future to take faith in God so that I can overcome this addiction and live the best life I can. I hope that this blog won't turn into a battle of beliefs. A great many readers of this blog have been religious folk because many religions suggest abstaining from pornography despite the fact that I've mentioned before that I was an atheist.

Just as I hoped not to exclude anyone before, I hope I do not exclude anyone now by mentioning God. As someone who has been an atheist all my life til this point, I can definitely relate to those of you who don't believe in God.

Day 2 Without Pornography - I've found God

I've mentioned before that I've been an atheist all my life. My family is atheist and I've never had any interest in God or religion.

This struggle with pornography has prompted me to take on a new perspective.

God is many different things to different people. I'm not going into detail about what I think God is or what I think about religion.

However, I now believe that to believe in God is to have an advantage towards achieving great things in life.

Many great leaders and people of great accomplishments have been religious or at least believers in God.

I've come to believe that part of their success is due to this belief in God.



What advantage does a person who believes in God gain? I believe that the primary advantage is an inner guidance from a place of authority.

What do I mean?

Think about when you are a kid. You have parents who, hopefully, give you guidance and focus on how to grow up to be a healthy, capable adult. Once you grow up, your life becomes your responsibility. You have to make decisions.

Life is more challenging because you now control whether you sit around eating ice cream all day or going out and making a living and eating healthy. Making the right choice is hard because you want both options for different reasons.

This is where a belief in God comes in. If you believe in God, it allows you to give up your decision to God. You can say "God, what should I do in this situation." My God, wants me to be healthy so the reply is, "eat healthy and get out there and contribute, don't sit around eating unhealthy food."

This isn't a direct reply from God. He isn't shining in through the window with a thundering voice. It's simply common sense. God wants me to be healthy. Being healthy means eating healthy foods, therefore God's intention is for me to be careful about what I eat.

The important thing is that this message is coming from authority. God is authority. This isn't a hard decision where I'm caught up between my desire for ice cream and my desire to be healthy. This is simply God telling me to make the healthy choice and then my obedience to his guidance.

Pornography is a drain on my life. Masturbation drains my drive to contribute to society and to participate in my relationships. My God doesn't want me to partake in pornography for these reasons. My God, my authority, demands me to kick this habit and to choose to live healthily and contently.

I'm going to post more

12 Step Program

I'm thinking about applying the alcoholics anonymous approach towards quitting porn.

I'm going to look into it a bit further before making a final decision but I've recently read some stories about people suffering alcohol addiction and then freeing themselves for decades...

What to do next

What do you do when you have tried so many things...

I'm thankful that my addiction is pornography and not alcohol and yet I feel like this addiction is just as powerful.

I've tried NLP, web filters, accountability partners, canceling my internet...

Yet the problem remains... I want to look at pornography. I can find a way around just about anything because despite these approaches, my desire to look at pornography remains.

There's this part of me that feels sad. This part of me wants to escape, specially in the evenings, by looking at pornography.

There's another part of me that wants to accomplish great things. This part of me wants to harness my sexual energy and redirect it towards working hard on my goals. It wants me to stop feeling sad and trying to escape. This part of me doesn't know how to stop feeling bad in the evening without looking at pornography.

Finally an update

Well, I went over a 100 days without porn by shutting off my internet. Then I caved in and looked at porn using my girlfriends cell phone.

Fast foward and now we have decided to put the internet back on.

I've found myself with just about zero motivation to quit porn right now. I know that I feel energized and powerful when I masturbate less and don't use pornography and yet I get drawn into pornography nearly every night. I feel tired, a bit stressed, kind of lonely, and I look at pornography at night...

92 Days WIthout Pornography

It has been 92 days without pornography. The most time I have been without pornography in the last decade was 104 days.

I'm 12 days away from spending the most time away from porn since I had any interest in sex to begin with...

12 days until I have broken my addiction for the most time ever...

I think this really proves how effective my approach has been, considering that my attempt that lasted 104 days was in December of 2008.

This is really amazing. The biggest "trick" to this now is to be aware of any temptation to acquire internet service again. I can't convince myself that I need internet again and then fall victim to pornography and mindless hours wasted web browsing. I've caught myself telling my girlfriend that there is no way I can have internet in our home again because I'm just as addicted as I was 3 months ago. I don't think a time will come where I can go back to having private access to the web without falling into old habits.

Anyways, hope any of you readers suffering this addiction or any other the best.

2.5 months

I'm still alive... and still without pornography. I've been watching a lot more movies since getting rid of the internet. Movies seem to be my new strategy for dealing with boredom.

Overall, I'm happy with my decision. I've felt urges for pornography and I still think about it sometimes. Since I don't have private access to internet, my urges have no place to come to fruition.

I'm Clean

A month and a half since canceling my internet and I haven't looked at pornography at all. How could I? Right now I'm writing from a bookstore with wifi.

Canceling my internet was the best thing I've done in years. I don't have urges for pornography because I simply have no access to it.

I highly suggest anyone struggling with this addiction to find a way to eliminate the internet from their lives... or at least from their homes.

I'm cancelling my internet

I've been struggling.

When I manage to control my urges for pornography, I end up web browsing for hours at a time.

I don't want to spend a majority of my life looking at stuff on the internet. I want to get out there and experience the world.

I've decided to cancel my internet.

Hopefully this blog will show others suffering from this addiction that they are not alone.

Sometimes the best way to fight an addiction is to change your environment. If you're addicted to the computer, get away from computers. Go as far away from computers as you have to go or you may be in your death bed feeling guilty about never quitting.

Depending on how addicted you are. You may need to change jobs - that's what I'm doing. It's worth making drastic changes if it means escaping your addiction.

Good luck guys.

It's been awhile

I just got back from being on vacation. I'm a bit jet lagged so I don't feel all that organized. But I wanted to make a post because I'm attempting, once again, to overcome pornography.

For the last few months I haven't tried to quit.

Now I want to begin trying again with the help of NLP.

Day ??

I don't know how many days its been without pornography.

I don't care.

I haven't looked for at least a week. My computer is password protected and I've asked my girlfriend to really help me out and make sure my computer is off when she's gone and that I don't have the password to it anymore.

Things are going well.

I haven't written in awhile

I've been in a new cycle.

A few weeks at a time, I'll give my password to my girlfriend and I'll go awhile without pornography. Then somehow, I'll get my password because I "need" to check something while shes gone or whatever and I'll go a few weeks with pornography again.

When this happens, I'm just not motivated to try to quit and that is the issue.

I just asked my girlfriend to help me make sure the computer is off and password protected when she's not here. She agreed.

This isn't just about pornography its about being addicted to the computer in general.

The internet is the new TV and I don't want to waste my life in front of the TV or the computer screen.

Day 23

Hi,

I'm still here, I'll be posting more often after Tuesday.

Day 3

I'm back on the wagon.

Broken down at Day 53

AND I KNOW WHY...


I'm disappointed right now but before it went down... I had been trying to stop masturbating all together the last 3-4 days.

I did this because I knew that quitting pornography gave me passion and energy and I figured not masturbating either would add to that.


IT DID but it was almost as if it gave me too much passion and energy to control. I became fixated on sex and that lead to leaving my laptop on, intentionally, as my girlfriend left for work and I caved to pornography.

I feel terrible. Not because I hate myself but because spending hours looking at pornography is very draining.

I plan on telling my girlfriend and continuing to leave the password protection on... We are moving at the end of the month and our new place won't have internet.

THAT will help aid in this struggle to overcome pornography addiction....

53 days is a long time but it felt like ages longer than that.

Moderation and outside help is what got me those 53 days of life without pornography. I've got to remember that as I try again starting now.

I'll leave my computer password protected with only my girlfriend knowing the pass and I'll let myself masturbate with fantasy in order to maintain moderation in my attempt to quit this addiction.

Ultimately it would be great to only have sexual release with my girlfriend but that has led to breaking a 53 day streak without pornography... and if my desires become so strong that I'm willing to cave after that many days of being free... then screw it - I'll be more moderate.

Day 52

Still here,

still porn free.

Day 47

Quick update,

Still getting urges for pornography although they seem to be mixed with a hopeless understanding that its unavailable.

Thats it for now.

Day 43 Work, Career, Vacations, and Bikes

Wow, I'm up to 43 days without pornography.

A quick update:

I'm still locked out of the computers in my apartment unless my girlfriend is present.

I'm still having strong urges for pornography occasionally.

I'm thoroughly convinced that I have more energy, motivation, and passion for life now that I don't web browse or look at pornography.

Despite being confident that my life is better without porn, in a weak moment I know that I would cave if given the chance.


Here's whats going on in my life.

Right now I'm working two cafe jobs. One has me working Monday-Friday from 5am to 9:45 or 11 AM. The other has me working weekends and 3 days during the work week.

So basically I work 7 days a week with 3 days being double shifts that start with me waking up at 4:15 AM and ending at 10:30 PM with a 4 hour break in the middle for a nap.

I plan on doing this for a little under a year and saving about $35,000. With that money, I'd like to try to become a day trader.

If I can't get the day trading thing to work out, I may start a cafe with the help of one of my bosses.


If you have read some of my earlier posts, you might know that I'm a cyclist. I ride bikes because the exercise keeps me happy whereas without it, I may slip into depression - which I seem to be naturally disposed to. Thankfully, ever since I started exercising a few years ago, I haven't experienced any strong symptoms of depression.

With my work schedule being crazy at the moment, its hard for me to find the free time to get on the bike or if I do find the time, my feet hurt too much from standing all day. This lack of exercise has made it challenging to keep my head up and be positive.

However, my girlfriend is a sweetheart and shes very encouraging and supportive. Without her help, I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing right now.


Aside from all this, I have a trip to Europe planned for the fall that I'm excited about. I've never been there before so it'll be an interesting experience.

I'm straining to think of anything else going on in my life....

There is the issue of my desire of to be sexual with women other than my girlfriend.

I seriously contemplated some sort of open relationship with my girlfriend or something because my desires for other women were so strong this past month.

I came to realize that once I reach orgasm, I really do not care at all about other women. My sex drive is crazy until that point at which, I would regret sleeping with anyone other than my girlfriend.

I would still have a really hard time turning down a beautiful woman if she pushed me for sex. Thankfully, I'm not George Clooney so that doesn't happen. I do get a lot of women flirting with me because I work in a cafe but as long as its just flirting - it doesn't drive me too crazy.

I feel like the next step for me is develop a value or code whereby I do not sleep with other women out of respect for myself. Lying and cheating is a life that lacks integrity and I want to be a person of integrity.

Day 31

It has been one long month since I last looked at pornography.

My urges for pornography have been strong and growing stronger.

How do I lower my urges?


That is the question...

In truth, I think the issue is that I want to have urges for pornography. If I have urges for pornography then there's a chance I'll give in to pornography and be able to enjoy the pleasure and distraction of it. I enjoy the pleasure and distraction it provides. The duality of this situation is that I have far more motivation and passion towards the important things in my life like my career, my home, my relationships, and bettering myself when I do not look at pornography.

This passion towards life that I have when I'm not zoning out on the computer is worth foregoing the pleasure and distraction of pornography.

However, my desire for the pleasure and distraction of pornography remains.

In order to lower these urges for pornography, I have to develop a strong disinterest in having urges for pornography. This total lack of interest would translate to confidence in living my new lifestyle instead of hanging onto the hope that I'll give in on my resistance of urges and finally enjoy pornography again.

I have to understand that pornography is distracting and pleasurable for a brief moment in time. However, it then takes away my power to live life passionately and to develop a future that I will ultimately be proud of and enjoy far more than what is possible living a life where I'm engulfed in pornography and web browsing.

Even knowing this, I'm still resistant to giving up my hope to being addicted once again.

Why do I want that particular pleasure and distraction that pornography offers?

Ahhh.... You know, it has to do with my desire to be sexual with multiple women.

More on this later.

Day 25

I'm proud of myself... 25 days without pornography and without web browsing.

Here's a couple of things that I have done with the excess time I've acquired from not using the computer:

1. I got a second job and now work 45-50 hours a week
2. I started a work out regime
3. I started meditating
4. I started doing yoga
5. I started a savings plan
6. I started practicing a few spiritual laws I'ved learned about: detachment, love, believing in myself etc.
7. I got my girlfriend a road bike and now we go cycling together
8. I started studying books for careers I might be interested in the future
9. I started keeping my apartment clean
10. I've begun searching for a less expensive apartment in order to help save money

I feel like I have all this potential and now I actually have time to reach for it.

The downside to this transition is that it hurts like hell at first.

There were moments where I would just sit on the couch staring at the wall.... just completely unable to let go of my desire for pornography and for the computer. I would just feel like hell...

There is another issue... I have a huge increase in sex drive when it comes to real women. The issue is that I have a girlfriend. We have been together for over a year and we're happy together. So it's very conflicting for me to be having stronger than normal desires for other women. I'm utterly lost on what to do with this so far. Basically I can be with my girlfriend and do some fantasizing on the side but my drive to go out there and have sex with other women is real and it is strong.

That's it for now.

Day 20

My urges for pornography have grown strong. I'll try my best to describe them. It's like this pulse that happens maybe 0-5 times a day. This pulse of desire hits fast and then fades depending on whether or not I dwell on it or distract myself by doing something else - like going for a bike ride.

I've had these pulses since day 1 but they just were not as strong. Now, at day 20 they have grown to the point that if I had unlimited access to the computer, I'd cave in. (Read prior posts about how I set up my computer with passwords that don't allow me to log on without the help of my girlfriend).

I really enjoyed reading the comment on my previous post. It made an excellent point about doing or not doing something and staying out of the grey zone of "trying."

That is an excellent point. I want to approach that mentality carefully. I do not want to use denial to accomplish a do or don't mentality.

It's easy for me to say:

"I used to look at pornography and now I simply do not."

However, it is important to acknowledge that I still have strong desires for pornography. For me to state:

"I have control over these desires,"

may actually help provide the power to resist them to a degree, but it also involves completely forgetting about the many times before now where I adopted that mentality and then caved to pornography in a weak moment.

I've already had weak moments during this attempt where I've been home alone and just completely ready to watch pornography were it available.

I think I will stick to keeping my computer off limits except when my girlfriend is present and on top of that begin slowly adopting confidence in my ability to be around a computer and only use it for email, account information and journaling.

However, I'm cautious about being overconfident when I've experienced so many times before, being many days into an attempt to quit pornography and then caving in a weak moment.

I think its highly possible that this combination of strategies could work.

I'm apprehensive and cautious but I do think it's important for me to begin working on my mentality and confidence in redirecting my sexual desire for pornography towards my girlfriend, perhaps just fantasy when I'm alone, or even better: towards other goals I have in my life that aren't related to sex at all.

I think I'll start by asking a question that I'll take time in answering.

How do I redirect my strong pulses of focus and desire for pornography towards my career, health, and spirituality goals?

Day 15

Okay I've finally felt some strong urges for pornography since starting this attempt to quit.

There was nothing I could do, the computers were locked and I had to just ride out the temptation.

I feel like staying off the computer except to check my mail, account balances, and small things like that every 2-3 days is a much healthier life style than what I was experiencing before.

That's all for now.

Day 11

This approach is going really well.

Here we are on day 11 and I've had zero opportunity to look at pornography.

The key is to be proactive in preventing myself from having private access to the internet.

Like I said before, only my girlfriend knows the user password to our computers. When she's not around the computers are off and I can't access them.

I've had a ton more time and energy now that I'm not wasting my life on the computer.

When I do these check ins, with my girlfriend present, I still feel the desire to open a pornography website but then I turn the computer off and forget about it because I have no way to use it without somebody else present.

My life is good right now.

I took on a second job to help save up money for the future. I'm working 50-60 hours a week and earning twice as much as I was before.

I also trained really hard for a cycling race and came in 4th place out of 50. I'm really proud of myself and I bought a picture that a professional photographer took of me. It cost $100 but it's huge at 30 by 40 inches and I'll have it the rest of my life.

Okay logging off.

Day 7

Update. Things are going well. I have little temptation to look at pornography because its simply not an option.

I can post this update right now because my girlfriend typed the user password in for me to check my mail and make an update.

If she's not around, the computer is simply unavailable to me.

I've got so much more time to get things done now that I don't waste hours web browsing and looking at pornography.

It's kind of amazing.

Day 3 a Serious approach

My computer is password protected and so is my girlfriends. Only she knows the password. I only have access to a computer with her present.

Boom.

Pornography addiction is over.

We are also cancelling the internet. That isn't the primary plan because we still pick up neighbors internet though its spotty and weak.

This is good stuff.

Update

I've joined a mens group and although I haven't found the motivation to attempt quitting pornography, the group has encouraged me to look into it.

Not an easy update to admit

Since my last post I have not tried to stop watching pornography.

My drive to quit is dead right now.

Day 5 I've pulled myself together

I'm working out, cycling, running.

I've got a job and I'm settling into it.

Things are calming down and I'm happy.

That was a rough week.

No pornography, no exercise, being sick, and having trouble at work caused me a whole lot of stress last week. I'm glad I'm through it but it's important for me to recognize that I hit my threshold and kind of lost it back there. There wasn't a awhole lot I could do... Then again maybe its that kind of thinking thats been holding me back.

Maybe I could have gotten a little, easy exercise and requested sick time at work.

Whatever I do, I've got to stop allowing myself to reach a critical condition where I'm so stressed that I seek escape through pornography.

Day 3 Getting through a rough spot

I had a challenging couple of weeks. I ended up disabling my filter with my girlfriend because my stress was crazy and we agreed that I could take a break from attempting to quit until I got myself together.

I got a new job at a cafe. That totally reduced my stress levels and I'm now back on board.

Life is constantly throwing challenges at us. Being prepared, having as much support as we can get, and being completely dedicated to moving forward is so important to beating this addiction.

Day 1 Here we are again

I don't have much to say yet. I'm still trying, not giving up.

I caved

Yes, my girlfriend and I took the filter off to watch netflix and forgot to put it back on last night. Today I realized this while having strong strong strong urges.

I'm disappointed.

I feel defeated but I'm going to try again.

Day 25

I lost my job. I'm not sure whether I quit or was fired but thats that.

Simply and quickly, I had arguments with the bartender because he consistently attempted to get me to do his job for him. He had trouble doing his own job because he somehow convinced management to let him bar-tend and serve tables to increase his tips. When I ran into too much conflict with him, management decided to get rid of me instead of him. It's easier to find a new busser than a new bartender.

I'm now looking to get back into the cafe scene since I realize being a busser is really just signing up to be a whole restaurant's slave.

I doubt I'll find trouble getting a barista position somewhere.

I was really angry about all this last night when it happened but now I'm feeling positive and ready to move on. I don't have much temptation for pornography. It seems that my temptations for pornography were growing with the tension I was experiencing at work and now that it has ended, my temptations have reduced.

Day 24 without pornography

I had serious urges yesterday.

I had the computer unfiltered and had a pornography page open with my hand in front of the screen blocking my view. I closed the browser and then re-opened the pornography page with my hand in front again then closed it again. UGH.

The computer was unfiltered because I have to take off the filter when my GF and I watch movies on netflix. We forgot to put it back on and man I came close to caving.

I had the thought - JUST CAVE and then restart your attempt. Just give yourself the chance to relax ... going 20 something days is great... if you did that consistently... just looking at porn once every 20 days that would be amazing.

BLAH...

Here I am though, temptation resisted - Barely... 24 days down.

Day 22

Every day is a struggle right now. I haven't gone this long without pornography in awhile.

Day 21, this is no fun

I haven't been able to get any exercise for the last week due to being sick. On top of that I feel like I'm going through withdrawal.

I'm having serious anger issues. My tolerance has simply disappeared and I seem to dwell on things that anger me.

I almost got fired from my job for having an argument with a co-worker (both of us almost got fired).

I came very close to quitting because the incident made me so mad.

I decided to play it cool until this week, so that I can get some exercise and see if that clears my head out.

I'm also having trouble falling asleep. I keep dwelling and having cyclical thoughts.

Like I said, I hope exercise sorts this out.

I had a few opportunities to look at pornography this week and I didn't. In those moments, where I had a computer that had access to pornography - the thing that stopped me was I knew that this attempt at quitting is important. I've taken a big step by applying web filters to the computers in my apartment and I feel like... if this fails then nothing will work. That thought is partially true. I can throw my computers out the window but I can't get rid of every computer on earth. If I don't have the ability to abstain from pornography when I'm somewhere outside my home on someone elses computer then what hope do I have?

This issue came up while housesitting for my parents but I succeeded in holding back my temptation for pornography despite the drama of almost getting fired, the discomfort of illness and the huge increase in anger that I've felt recently. This is a major victory but this is no fun.

I hope for sunnier days ahead.

Day 17

There is no way I can do this without a filter.

I'm facing strong temptation; I have caught myself trying to find a way to skirt by the filter all the time.

One side effect of using this filter is that I have not put in as much effort in reducing my desires for pornography.

I've locked myself out of pornography and left it at that.

Now that I'm looking at going without pornography indefinitely, it is time to think about why I am doing this.

Seeing my girlfriend upset about me using pornography urged me to take action but I don't see that as the primary reason.

Gaining the time back from those hours of pornography usage each week is something I really enjoy and I do count this as a reason.

Another major reason is that when I picture my ideal self in the future, the man I want to become, seeing that future self looking at pornography is a disappointing fate. I see pornography usage as something a man does when he doesn't really have a grip on his life.

Overall these two reasons point to one thing: getting more out of life. We all want more out of life and quitting pornography is just one small step in that direction even if its as small as just allowing more time for things that matter.

Day 15

Weird stuff going on.

I'm a cyclist. I've done amateur racing but mostly I ride for the physical and psychological benefits of the exercise. Today I woke up with a sore throat and that means no exercise for awhile. When I don't exercise my stress level is a lot higher than normal. This doesn't relate to anything else I'm writing, it's just important for me to be aware of my stress.

I'm also training to be a day trader. Last night I increased the intensity of my internet filter so that I can't use the computer to browse the web aimlessly for hours. I did this because I found myself hopelessly trying to find some kind of pornography that the filter did not block. Well the filter cut off the internet to my trading software and I was unable to trade this morning. I had a choice. I could call my girlfriend at work and ask for the password so that I could trade or I could just take the day off. I opted to take the day off because I knew that if I got my hands on the password, I'd eventually succumb to my urges for pornography.

I fixed the filter so that it doesn't block my trading software and so that it does filter out all web browsing aside from my mailbox, this blog and a few services such as my banking.

Today was interesting though. Because my computer was utterly blocked until my girlfriend got home, I spent the day cleaning the entire apartment, cleaning my bike and taking it to the bike shop and reading a book.

I felt very productive despite feeling sick and I attribute this to not having the internet to play with.

nomorep0rn brought up some interesting points about pornography and cheating on his blog http://nomorep0rn.blogspot.com

I don't mind being on either side of his argument. The one thing I feel strongly about is the guilt associated with pornography even if you consider it cheating.

Guilt is an emotion that we all feel but I don't believe in it is a useful emotion. A lot of guys talk about feeling guilty about their pornography use as if they deserve the negative feeling. This is just a trap we set for ourselves. We look at pornography and then we punish ourselves by feeling guilty then when the guilt fades we look at pornography again. The reason this happens is because guilt is a lame punishment. All it does is make you feel negative and down on yourself which then causes you to feel stressed out. When a human being is feeling negative, down on himself/herself and stressed out, they seek escape. Pornography is a behavior we use to escape and its often the easiest form after one of these guilt sessions we give ourselves.

Guilt therefor is a trick we play on ourselves.

YOU SAY: "Oh I'm so terrible for looking at porn. OK now that I feel negative and have shown remorse, my debt is paid."

Then something stressful happens, your guilt makes you feel like hell or perhaps an area of your life your uncomfortable with stares you in the face and its straight back to pornography.

I say forget guilt, forget about putting yourself down, if your going to get what you want out of life you need to reprogram your thoughts. Stay positive and seek out what you want. Stop playing tricks with yourself. If you don't know whether or not your playing tricks with yourself ask yourself this. Am I doing what I want to do with my life? If not then your probably spending a great deal of your time (life) justifying, making excuses, and flat out lying to yourself.

One thought I had today was this:

If knew that my future son or daughter were to walk almost exactly in my footsteps, how would I live my life from this moment forward?

The question is legitimate. Children learn a great deal about how to live life from their parents. Now I don't want children right now but I'm not foolish enough to think that I can change overnight when that day comes. I want to to start living a life worth living now.

Day 12 I want to cave

I have no ability to look at pornography right now. I strongly want to. My urges are so strong that I can not resist. I want to cave RIGHT now. Again, I have no ability to look at pornographyso I just suffer the impatience and irritability.

My sex drive is huge. It's only day 12 and I'm experiencing symptoms I felt after months without pornography.

I can't help but look at girls on the street and I can't think straight sometimes.

I caught myself thinking that I have to get a way back into pornography or my sex life will be too boring. I caught myself thinking that I'll go crazy.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm thankful this is happening. Changing.

Day 10

nomorep0rn said...

Thanks for your blog. I'll have to look at this k9 thing. I feel weird about a "filter", but if it's just a "log" for me it'll be an effective deterrent. I hope. Just started my blog today about this. Thought you might appreciate some support.

You know I thought the same thing. I thought if I was able to see how many wasted hours each week went into pornography that it would motivate me to stay away but in a weak moment it doesn't.

Filtering is an uncomfortable idea because it means going cold turkey without a chance in the world of relapse. It's extreme. If we were trying to quit smoking, it would be like moving to a part of the world where cigarettes aren't sold.

Filtering is scary because on some level we do NOT want to stop watching pornography. Pornography is a helpful, convenient tool for us to deal with something unpleasant in our lives. So to completely give up control over pornography is to completely rid ourselves of a tool.

Going back to the example of trying to quit smoking. Filtering (without the ability to bypass it) is like moving to a far away country where cigarettes don't exist. Whereas, a lot of the other self-imposed limitations we put on ourselves in order to quit porn is like throwing our pack of cigarettes in the garbage. It is a meaningful gesture but hardly an effective means of keeping it out of our lives.

There are two parts of us in this struggle against pornography. There is the responsible part of us that understands pornography is hampering our progress in this life and there is the part of us that wants to continue to look at pornography.

You can't control which part of you is going to show up at any given time. You may be able to suppress that part of you that wants pornography for a period of time but eventually, in a weak moment, it will come back and you'll be right back in the pornography game.

Look at it this way: the responsible quitter in you is the parent and the pornography user in you is the child. As a parent, you cannot monitor your child all the time. By creating a filter on your computer and giving the password to someone else, you are hiring a baby sitter for that child in you.


I'm telling you this is going to work. I'm okay with the presence of fear while taking the big step as long as the big step is taken.

Day 8

Strong urges but no relapses thanks to k9 web protection. My girlfriend knows the password and I don't. Pornography websites are blocked and I can't do anything about it.

This is going to work.

The Pot Has Boiled Over

Two days ago I sat hunched over at the computer while my girlfriend slept in the bed a few feet over. I was looking at pornography and she was crying not sleeping.

When I finally came to bed I found her blanket wet from tears and I knew at that moment that big changes were about to occur.

The shame of hurting her evaporated quickly. I've taught myself to never think hateful thoughts like that because it leads no where.

However, I knew something had to be done. A few ideas crossed my mind but my desire to quit pornography faded after a day. I found myself saying "whats the point in trying" when I thought about all the progress I made in the past, such as going over 100 days without pornography, only to find myself back in the same old mindset and habits of looking at pornography daily for hours at a time.

Then tonight my girlfriend came home from work. The door opened and we greeted each other and I felt the familiar excitement of having her warm embrace but then the unfamiliar smell of marijuana.

People have many different views of pot but my girlfriend knows I dislike it. She told me she had quit 6 months ago and here she was with it on her breathe.

We had an emotional talk about the dishonesty we have had with each other about these two habits of which we desire to quit. Now I've taken it upon myself to create a plan of action.

IT'S TIME TO FIGHT FOR VICTORY

We need total honesty with ourselves and each other. The way to accomplish that is for her to get tested regularly and for me to install k9 web protection http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

It's a free program you can install to limit or view what websites have been opened on a computer. You can password protect the program and that's what I intend to do. I'm going to give my girlfriend the password and there's no way I can get on certain sites and no way I can look at pornography without her knowing.

Next I need a back up plan for those times when I feel the need to look at pornography and whens she feels the need to smoke.

These back up plans have to be simple and easy because when I'm under the strain of resisting my urges for pornography I don't have the patience to do anything that requires a lot of thought or effort.

My first idea is to take a walk to some place high. The fresh air and exercise helps reduce stress and the high vantage point helps produce a mentality of looking at the big picture.

My second idea is to go to the liquor store and buy junk food. I would rather, for the time being, eat unhealthy candy bars or what have you then let my addiction to pornography continue. I must have no regret about spending the money or eating unhealthy, this is a substitution that is well worth the cost.

Web browsing or movies/TV are not ideas that I like because they often contain references to sex that have the power to drive me to pornography.

My plan is to come up with further more backup plans and substitutions for pornography and pot until our addictions are overcome.

Quick Update

The weather has been rough, I haven't been able to get enough exercise.

My stress has been relatively high. Not extreme but high enough that pornography has been an issue.

I'm a bit at a loss right now. I don't have the motivation to try to quit right now.