Quitting Internet Porn

Day 8

2012-01-26T09:31:00.000-08:00

I've passed 8 days without pornography thanks to my NLP exercises.

Now I've started imagining a train filled with images related to pornography speeding away into the distance until it disappears. It sounds silly but it feels very powerful.

Day 5

2012-01-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

Day 5 of NLP and it's working very well.

Changing the images in your mind really does impact how you feel. Sometimes not at first but then you'll notice the next day that you're not thinking about the same old things as much.

Day 2 of NLP

2012-01-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

I'm making a post on this blog every day when I spend 5 minutes practicing my visualizations.

When I visualize myself looking at pornography, I try to bring up an image of myself from the third person (I view myself as if I'm looking at a home movie of myself) and I also bring up an image of the pornography sites I've visited in the past. Then I try to reduce these images in size, color, intensity etc.

There are many, many images that keep popping up. I have many memories of pornography to work through. I do feel like I'm making progress every time that I do it however.

I also bring up images of myself as a man who is capable and strong. I visualize myself standing strong and full of will and I make this image intense and vibrant.

30 days of NLP

2012-01-19T11:36:00.000-08:00

NLP stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming.

It sounds complicated and there are many aspects to it but one of the simplest explanations is that it is about changing your behavior by changing the images in your head.

How do you change the images in your head?

You picture yourself looking at pornography. Then you notice the details of the image. Is it big? Is it in color? Is it bright?

Change the image to look small, gray, and dark.

Change the image so that it is hard to see.

This will influence how you feel about looking at pornography.

This is my goal for the next 30 days. I will spend 5 minutes a day, changing images of myself looking at porn and also images of myself regarding my ability to accomplish what I want.

I am picturing myself as a man who is capable of anything. I change this picture so that it is bridge and big and realistic.

I am also picturing myself looking at pornography as old fashioned, gray, and small.

This is my objective right now.

Day 2

2011-12-05T10:24:00.001-08:00

I'm going to be doing some NLP. I'll write more about what that is later on. I did some the first day I set up this blog and it helped a lot.

Day 1, I'm back

2011-12-04T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'm back. I've found some motivation to get off the computer. My goal is to just use the computer for important stuff like gmail.com.

I'm going through a rough time

2011-11-10T00:16:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to stay off the computer and away from pornography for the last week. It's amazing how easily I convince myself to get back on.

I feel slightly depressed. I know that the computer is an escape from reality for me and I'm drawn to it when I feel bad.

I'm working towards improving my mood and getting the hell off this computer. Even writing in this blog is an excuse to use this thing.

With that said... Goodnight.

Where I'm at right now...

2011-08-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm getting married. We don't have a date yet but it'll be sometime next year.

My fiance and I have plans to move the East Coast and start a business. We're saving money up right now.

Pornography is still a part of my life regrettably. I've been feeling depressed this last month and I think that's why I have been using porn.

Things are slowly getting better and I'm being patient with myself.

It's damned hard to live a healthy, balanced life.

I've slipped up

2011-07-07T22:35:00.001-07:00

I don't know what to say right now. I've slipped up.

Day 31 Without Pornography

2011-07-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

I've struggled a bit with looking at sex forums but I haven't looked at pornography pictures or videos for a month now.

I want to say that change begins with understanding. I've been looking at sex forums because I've been pushing myself really hard these last 2 weeks to get things done. The stress that causes has pushed me to want to escape into fantasy occasionally. I'm not beating myself up for this.

What I'm figuring out about myself is that looking at pornography and masturbating in itself doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the amount of time that I waste doing it when I could be doing something else that's either productive or at least memorable (like going someplace new or taking up a new hobby).

I've got to transition now from looking at sex forums on the computer to just fantasizing and masturbating. The idea is to make baby steps away from looking at pornography for 2 hours, down to looking at sex forums, down to not using the computer at all.

I don't plan on eliminating masturbation all together. I've tried that before and I end up becoming very high strung, impulsive, and emotional. I do plan on masturbating less that I used to because I do enjoy the increase in energy.

My strategy for making the transition from using the computer to just fantasizing is to acknowledge when I'm horny, decide to masturbate (instead of trying to resist), and focus on doing it quickly and without the computer.

Day 25 Without Pornography

2011-06-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

My sex drive is erratic. Some days I have no desire for pornography and other days it's barely containable.

Quitting pornography for me is about managing all aspects of my life. Stress is a leading cause of my desire for pornography and managing stress means I have to look at everything that's going on.

Am I over-working, am I having relationship problems, am I sick, am I arguing with someone, am I failing at something? These are all things that can happen on a day to day basis which can make me want to retreat to using pornography.

Another important issue is masturbation. Some people who visit this blog have religions that forbid masturbation. I'm not someone who believes masturbation is forbidden. From my own experiences masturbation relaxes and calms while at the same time lowers my ambition and my interest in achieving goals.

My sex drive is linked to my drive to succeed. The higher my sex drive, the higher my desire to achieve great things. However, when my sex drive gets too high, I get too emotional and strung out. I become attached to accomplishing achievements and begin to get frustrated and angry. Eventually I burn out and seek escape through masturbation. Then I go back to feeling calm and uninterested until the cycle begins again.

The best place to be is in the middle. The only way to get to that moderate level is to masturbate occasionally.

This is how my mind and body works and it may not be the same for everyone.

Day 20 Without Pornography

2011-06-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

I've been having trouble with visiting sex forums again.

I've been masturbating less since I've stopped looking at pornography, which is great because I have more energy and passion. The downside, however, is that I've been very horny. This increase in sexual energy makes pornography very tempting.

I've tried to masturbate without pornography and I can do it but it is not as pleasurable as it used to be when I looked at porn. This is frustrating.

I've got to change my attitude towards masturbation. I get frustrated that it's not as enjoyable but perhaps I can slowly change my perspective so that I just enjoy the pleasure instead of getting frustrated by comparing it to the way it used to be.

I'm still very committed. Although I've visited sex forums, I haven't seen any videos or images of pornography for near 3 weeks now.

Day 19 Without Pornography

2011-06-19T19:50:00.001-07:00

I'm getting really horny.

Without pornography draining my sex drive all the time, I'm getting a lot of pent up sexual energy.

This week I've been sick and yet I've accomplished a lot. Some of this sexual energy is being put to use to accomplish other more productive stuff but it's also frustrating.

Day 17

2011-06-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

If this attempt works to the point that I reach 100 days, I'm going to write a book.

I haven't been able to completely commit to following guidance from God in every situation but it has kept me clean from pornography for the last 17 days.

It is interesting that as someone who newly believes in God, I've found the strength to stay off pornography but other people who are more religious than me, have had difficulty with pornography. It's not enough to simply believe in God and understand that what is best for you is not to use pornography. There is quite a bit more going on here.

I'm going to comb through this blog and compile my experience and knowledge on quitting pornography.

There doesn't seem to be any key or secret to qutting pornography. You have to throw everything you've got at it.

If I can reach 100 days and continue to stay clean then maybe I can figure out how to present what I know so that others who are struggling can escape this destructive cycle.

Day 14

2011-06-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm always surprised when I begin to notice an increase in my sex drive when I've gone a few weeks without pornography. The difference is striking. My sex drive increases quite a bit once I stop looking at porn for a few weeks.

Day 11 Without Pornography

2011-06-11T22:21:00.001-07:00

I've realized something. I have tried a few times to sort of just let go and let God make decisions for me. It doesn't work. Maybe that sounds stupid but it was an honest experiment. I can rely on God to provide guidance but I can't give up my decisions or control to God. I can accept God as an authority that means well for me and I can serve or follow guidance but I can't completely step back and just watch...

I have been very productive and calm these past 11 days. Things are going well. I'm a little disappointed that I'm not asking God for guidance as much as I'd like to. I thought it would become a habit in every moment but it hasn't. It's going to take work.

I haven't looked at any sex related stuff on the internet since my last post about sex forums.

Yeah, things are going well.

Day 7 Without Pornography

2011-06-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Honesty is important when you're trying to quit something. I've been looking at sex related forums the last couple of days. This has happened in the past when I've tried to quit porn. Part of me thinks - well if I can't look at porn then maybe it's okay to look at sex forums.

My girlfriend saw what I was doing and we talked about it. We both want me to not look at any kind of pornography including forums.

I'm not mad at myself. I see this as a normal tapering down of my addiction.
I haven't been asking God for guidance as often lately. I want to remind myself to do this frequently because I believe it helps.

Day 4 Without Pornography

2011-06-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

The commenter in the previous post made a good point. Desire for pornography never seems to diminish despite abstaining. I think he's right when he says that it's tied to a natural desire for sex. As long as your sex drive exists, so too will your desire for pornography. This makes some sense to me.

The few times that I've gone 100 days without pornography, I noticed myself saying that I had little desire for porn. I've been able to really focus and drive myself towards redirecting my attention away from porn and towards the things I care about. However, my desire for pornography would return instantly if I began to get stressed out.

If I had a bad day or a string of bad days due to a conflict or an ongoing problem of any sort, my desire to escape and look at pornography would magnify.

When you're feeling good and you're happy, it's much easier to abstain from pornography. When life gets tough, it becomes extremely difficult to manage stress without going back to old habits.

So far, believing in God has helped me find strength in overcoming pornography. It's been 3 months since I last abstained from pornography and here I am ready to give it another shot after canceling my internet didn't do the trick.

God provides a parent-like figure in my life to help guide me when I'm doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing. When I find it irresistible to look at pornography, I ask God what I should do and the answer is to find a healthy alternative. Because God is an authority and I trust that his intentions are to benefit me and my loved ones, I can step back and just accept his suggestion.

I've got to say that being an atheist previously, it is really strange for me to talk about God. I worry about even talking about it because of how serious people take their religions sometimes.

I think it's important for my future to take faith in God so that I can overcome this addiction and live the best life I can. I hope that this blog won't turn into a battle of beliefs. A great many readers of this blog have been religious folk because many religions suggest abstaining from pornography despite the fact that I've mentioned before that I was an atheist.

Just as I hoped not to exclude anyone before, I hope I do not exclude anyone now by mentioning God. As someone who has been an atheist all my life til this point, I can definitely relate to those of you who don't believe in God.

Day 2 Without Pornography - I've found God

2011-06-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that I've been an atheist all my life. My family is atheist and I've never had any interest in God or religion.

This struggle with pornography has prompted me to take on a new perspective.

God is many different things to different people. I'm not going into detail about what I think God is or what I think about religion.

However, I now believe that to believe in God is to have an advantage towards achieving great things in life.

Many great leaders and people of great accomplishments have been religious or at least believers in God.

I've come to believe that part of their success is due to this belief in God.

What advantage does a person who believes in God gain? I believe that the primary advantage is an inner guidance from a place of authority.

What do I mean?

Think about when you are a kid. You have parents who, hopefully, give you guidance and focus on how to grow up to be a healthy, capable adult. Once you grow up, your life becomes your responsibility. You have to make decisions.

Life is more challenging because you now control whether you sit around eating ice cream all day or going out and making a living and eating healthy. Making the right choice is hard because you want both options for different reasons.

This is where a belief in God comes in. If you believe in God, it allows you to give up your decision to God. You can say "God, what should I do in this situation." My God, wants me to be healthy so the reply is, "eat healthy and get out there and contribute, don't sit around eating unhealthy food."

This isn't a direct reply from God. He isn't shining in through the window with a thundering voice. It's simply common sense. God wants me to be healthy. Being healthy means eating healthy foods, therefore God's intention is for me to be careful about what I eat.

The important thing is that this message is coming from authority. God is authority. This isn't a hard decision where I'm caught up between my desire for ice cream and my desire to be healthy. This is simply God telling me to make the healthy choice and then my obedience to his guidance.

Pornography is a drain on my life. Masturbation drains my drive to contribute to society and to participate in my relationships. My God doesn't want me to partake in pornography for these reasons. My God, my authority, demands me to kick this habit and to choose to live healthily and contently.

I'm going to post more

12 Step Program

2011-05-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about applying the alcoholics anonymous approach towards quitting porn.

I'm going to look into it a bit further before making a final decision but I've recently read some stories about people suffering alcohol addiction and then freeing themselves for decades...

What to do next

2011-05-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you have tried so many things...

I'm thankful that my addiction is pornography and not alcohol and yet I feel like this addiction is just as powerful.

I've tried NLP, web filters, accountability partners, canceling my internet...

Yet the problem remains... I want to look at pornography. I can find a way around just about anything because despite these approaches, my desire to look at pornography remains.

There's this part of me that feels sad. This part of me wants to escape, specially in the evenings, by looking at pornography.

There's another part of me that wants to accomplish great things. This part of me wants to harness my sexual energy and redirect it towards working hard on my goals. It wants me to stop feeling sad and trying to escape. This part of me doesn't know how to stop feeling bad in the evening without looking at pornography.

Finally an update

2011-05-17T20:12:00.001-07:00

Well, I went over a 100 days without porn by shutting off my internet. Then I caved in and looked at porn using my girlfriends cell phone.

Fast foward and now we have decided to put the internet back on.

I've found myself with just about zero motivation to quit porn right now. I know that I feel energized and powerful when I masturbate less and don't use pornography and yet I get drawn into pornography nearly every night. I feel tired, a bit stressed, kind of lonely, and I look at pornography at night...

92 Days WIthout Pornography

2011-02-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

It has been 92 days without pornography. The most time I have been without pornography in the last decade was 104 days.

I'm 12 days away from spending the most time away from porn since I had any interest in sex to begin with...

12 days until I have broken my addiction for the most time ever...

I think this really proves how effective my approach has been, considering that my attempt that lasted 104 days was in December of 2008.

This is really amazing. The biggest "trick" to this now is to be aware of any temptation to acquire internet service again. I can't convince myself that I need internet again and then fall victim to pornography and mindless hours wasted web browsing. I've caught myself telling my girlfriend that there is no way I can have internet in our home again because I'm just as addicted as I was 3 months ago. I don't think a time will come where I can go back to having private access to the web without falling into old habits.

Anyways, hope any of you readers suffering this addiction or any other the best.

2.5 months

2011-01-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

I'm still alive... and still without pornography. I've been watching a lot more movies since getting rid of the internet. Movies seem to be my new strategy for dealing with boredom.

Overall, I'm happy with my decision. I've felt urges for pornography and I still think about it sometimes. Since I don't have private access to internet, my urges have no place to come to fruition.

I'm Clean

2010-12-23T14:47:00.000-08:00

A month and a half since canceling my internet and I haven't looked at pornography at all. How could I? Right now I'm writing from a bookstore with wifi.

Canceling my internet was the best thing I've done in years. I don't have urges for pornography because I simply have no access to it.

I highly suggest anyone struggling with this addiction to find a way to eliminate the internet from their lives... or at least from their homes.

I'm cancelling my internet

2010-11-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling.

When I manage to control my urges for pornography, I end up web browsing for hours at a time.

I don't want to spend a majority of my life looking at stuff on the internet. I want to get out there and experience the world.

I've decided to cancel my internet.

Hopefully this blog will show others suffering from this addiction that they are not alone.

Sometimes the best way to fight an addiction is to change your environment. If you're addicted to the computer, get away from computers. Go as far away from computers as you have to go or you may be in your death bed feeling guilty about never quitting.

Depending on how addicted you are. You may need to change jobs - that's what I'm doing. It's worth making drastic changes if it means escaping your addiction.

Good luck guys.

It's been awhile

2010-10-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

I just got back from being on vacation. I'm a bit jet lagged so I don't feel all that organized. But I wanted to make a post because I'm attempting, once again, to overcome pornography.

For the last few months I haven't tried to quit.

Now I want to begin trying again with the help of NLP.

Day ??

2010-08-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many days its been without pornography.

I don't care.

I haven't looked for at least a week. My computer is password protected and I've asked my girlfriend to really help me out and make sure my computer is off when she's gone and that I don't have the password to it anymore.

Things are going well.

I haven't written in awhile

2010-08-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

I've been in a new cycle.

A few weeks at a time, I'll give my password to my girlfriend and I'll go awhile without pornography. Then somehow, I'll get my password because I "need" to check something while shes gone or whatever and I'll go a few weeks with pornography again.

When this happens, I'm just not motivated to try to quit and that is the issue.

I just asked my girlfriend to help me make sure the computer is off and password protected when she's not here. She agreed.

This isn't just about pornography its about being addicted to the computer in general.

The internet is the new TV and I don't want to waste my life in front of the TV or the computer screen.

Day 23

2010-07-10T14:42:00.001-07:00

Hi,

I'm still here, I'll be posting more often after Tuesday.

Day 3

2010-06-20T13:24:00.001-07:00

I'm back on the wagon.

Broken down at Day 53

2010-06-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

AND I KNOW WHY...

I'm disappointed right now but before it went down... I had been trying to stop masturbating all together the last 3-4 days.

I did this because I knew that quitting pornography gave me passion and energy and I figured not masturbating either would add to that.

IT DID but it was almost as if it gave me too much passion and energy to control. I became fixated on sex and that lead to leaving my laptop on, intentionally, as my girlfriend left for work and I caved to pornography.

I feel terrible. Not because I hate myself but because spending hours looking at pornography is very draining.

I plan on telling my girlfriend and continuing to leave the password protection on... We are moving at the end of the month and our new place won't have internet.

THAT will help aid in this struggle to overcome pornography addiction....

53 days is a long time but it felt like ages longer than that.

Moderation and outside help is what got me those 53 days of life without pornography. I've got to remember that as I try again starting now.

I'll leave my computer password protected with only my girlfriend knowing the pass and I'll let myself masturbate with fantasy in order to maintain moderation in my attempt to quit this addiction.

Ultimately it would be great to only have sexual release with my girlfriend but that has led to breaking a 53 day streak without pornography... and if my desires become so strong that I'm willing to cave after that many days of being free... then screw it - I'll be more moderate.

Day 52

2010-06-08T22:44:00.001-07:00

Still here,

still porn free.

Day 47

2010-06-03T10:31:00.000-07:00

Quick update,

Still getting urges for pornography although they seem to be mixed with a hopeless understanding that its unavailable.

Thats it for now.

Day 43 Work, Career, Vacations, and Bikes

2010-05-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm up to 43 days without pornography.

A quick update:

I'm still locked out of the computers in my apartment unless my girlfriend is present.

I'm still having strong urges for pornography occasionally.

I'm thoroughly convinced that I have more energy, motivation, and passion for life now that I don't web browse or look at pornography.

Despite being confident that my life is better without porn, in a weak moment I know that I would cave if given the chance.

Here's whats going on in my life.

Right now I'm working two cafe jobs. One has me working Monday-Friday from 5am to 9:45 or 11 AM. The other has me working weekends and 3 days during the work week.

So basically I work 7 days a week with 3 days being double shifts that start with me waking up at 4:15 AM and ending at 10:30 PM with a 4 hour break in the middle for a nap.

I plan on doing this for a little under a year and saving about $35,000. With that money, I'd like to try to become a day trader.

If I can't get the day trading thing to work out, I may start a cafe with the help of one of my bosses.

If you have read some of my earlier posts, you might know that I'm a cyclist. I ride bikes because the exercise keeps me happy whereas without it, I may slip into depression - which I seem to be naturally disposed to. Thankfully, ever since I started exercising a few years ago, I haven't experienced any strong symptoms of depression.

With my work schedule being crazy at the moment, its hard for me to find the free time to get on the bike or if I do find the time, my feet hurt too much from standing all day. This lack of exercise has made it challenging to keep my head up and be positive.

However, my girlfriend is a sweetheart and shes very encouraging and supportive. Without her help, I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing right now.

Aside from all this, I have a trip to Europe planned for the fall that I'm excited about. I've never been there before so it'll be an interesting experience.

I'm straining to think of anything else going on in my life....

There is the issue of my desire of to be sexual with women other than my girlfriend.

I seriously contemplated some sort of open relationship with my girlfriend or something because my desires for other women were so strong this past month.

I came to realize that once I reach orgasm, I really do not care at all about other women. My sex drive is crazy until that point at which, I would regret sleeping with anyone other than my girlfriend.

I would still have a really hard time turning down a beautiful woman if she pushed me for sex. Thankfully, I'm not George Clooney so that doesn't happen. I do get a lot of women flirting with me because I work in a cafe but as long as its just flirting - it doesn't drive me too crazy.

I feel like the next step for me is develop a value or code whereby I do not sleep with other women out of respect for myself. Lying and cheating is a life that lacks integrity and I want to be a person of integrity.

Day 31

2010-05-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

It has been one long month since I last looked at pornography.

My urges for pornography have been strong and growing stronger.

How do I lower my urges?

That is the question...

In truth, I think the issue is that I want to have urges for pornography. If I have urges for pornography then there's a chance I'll give in to pornography and be able to enjoy the pleasure and distraction of it. I enjoy the pleasure and distraction it provides. The duality of this situation is that I have far more motivation and passion towards the important things in my life like my career, my home, my relationships, and bettering myself when I do not look at pornography.

This passion towards life that I have when I'm not zoning out on the computer is worth foregoing the pleasure and distraction of pornography.

However, my desire for the pleasure and distraction of pornography remains.

In order to lower these urges for pornography, I have to develop a strong disinterest in having urges for pornography. This total lack of interest would translate to confidence in living my new lifestyle instead of hanging onto the hope that I'll give in on my resistance of urges and finally enjoy pornography again.

I have to understand that pornography is distracting and pleasurable for a brief moment in time. However, it then takes away my power to live life passionately and to develop a future that I will ultimately be proud of and enjoy far more than what is possible living a life where I'm engulfed in pornography and web browsing.

Even knowing this, I'm still resistant to giving up my hope to being addicted once again.

Why do I want that particular pleasure and distraction that pornography offers?

Ahhh.... You know, it has to do with my desire to be sexual with multiple women.

More on this later.

Day 25

2010-05-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm proud of myself... 25 days without pornography and without web browsing.

Here's a couple of things that I have done with the excess time I've acquired from not using the computer:

1. I got a second job and now work 45-50 hours a week
2. I started a work out regime
3. I started meditating
4. I started doing yoga
5. I started a savings plan
6. I started practicing a few spiritual laws I'ved learned about: detachment, love, believing in myself etc.
7. I got my girlfriend a road bike and now we go cycling together
8. I started studying books for careers I might be interested in the future
9. I started keeping my apartment clean
10. I've begun searching for a less expensive apartment in order to help save money

I feel like I have all this potential and now I actually have time to reach for it.

The downside to this transition is that it hurts like hell at first.

There were moments where I would just sit on the couch staring at the wall.... just completely unable to let go of my desire for pornography and for the computer. I would just feel like hell...

There is another issue... I have a huge increase in sex drive when it comes to real women. The issue is that I have a girlfriend. We have been together for over a year and we're happy together. So it's very conflicting for me to be having stronger than normal desires for other women. I'm utterly lost on what to do with this so far. Basically I can be with my girlfriend and do some fantasizing on the side but my drive to go out there and have sex with other women is real and it is strong.

That's it for now.

Day 20

2010-05-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

My urges for pornography have grown strong. I'll try my best to describe them. It's like this pulse that happens maybe 0-5 times a day. This pulse of desire hits fast and then fades depending on whether or not I dwell on it or distract myself by doing something else - like going for a bike ride.

I've had these pulses since day 1 but they just were not as strong. Now, at day 20 they have grown to the point that if I had unlimited access to the computer, I'd cave in. (Read prior posts about how I set up my computer with passwords that don't allow me to log on without the help of my girlfriend).

I really enjoyed reading the comment on my previous post. It made an excellent point about doing or not doing something and staying out of the grey zone of "trying."

That is an excellent point. I want to approach that mentality carefully. I do not want to use denial to accomplish a do or don't mentality.

It's easy for me to say:

"I used to look at pornography and now I simply do not."

However, it is important to acknowledge that I still have strong desires for pornography. For me to state:

"I have control over these desires,"

may actually help provide the power to resist them to a degree, but it also involves completely forgetting about the many times before now where I adopted that mentality and then caved to pornography in a weak moment.

I've already had weak moments during this attempt where I've been home alone and just completely ready to watch pornography were it available.

I think I will stick to keeping my computer off limits except when my girlfriend is present and on top of that begin slowly adopting confidence in my ability to be around a computer and only use it for email, account information and journaling.

However, I'm cautious about being overconfident when I've experienced so many times before, being many days into an attempt to quit pornography and then caving in a weak moment.

I think its highly possible that this combination of strategies could work.

I'm apprehensive and cautious but I do think it's important for me to begin working on my mentality and confidence in redirecting my sexual desire for pornography towards my girlfriend, perhaps just fantasy when I'm alone, or even better: towards other goals I have in my life that aren't related to sex at all.

I think I'll start by asking a question that I'll take time in answering.

How do I redirect my strong pulses of focus and desire for pornography towards my career, health, and spirituality goals?

Day 15

2010-05-02T00:21:00.000-07:00

Okay I've finally felt some strong urges for pornography since starting this attempt to quit.

There was nothing I could do, the computers were locked and I had to just ride out the temptation.

I feel like staying off the computer except to check my mail, account balances, and small things like that every 2-3 days is a much healthier life style than what I was experiencing before.

That's all for now.

Day 11

2010-04-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

This approach is going really well.

Here we are on day 11 and I've had zero opportunity to look at pornography.

The key is to be proactive in preventing myself from having private access to the internet.

Like I said before, only my girlfriend knows the user password to our computers. When she's not around the computers are off and I can't access them.

I've had a ton more time and energy now that I'm not wasting my life on the computer.

When I do these check ins, with my girlfriend present, I still feel the desire to open a pornography website but then I turn the computer off and forget about it because I have no way to use it without somebody else present.

My life is good right now.

I took on a second job to help save up money for the future. I'm working 50-60 hours a week and earning twice as much as I was before.

I also trained really hard for a cycling race and came in 4th place out of 50. I'm really proud of myself and I bought a picture that a professional photographer took of me. It cost $100 but it's huge at 30 by 40 inches and I'll have it the rest of my life.

Okay logging off.

Day 7

2010-04-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

Update. Things are going well. I have little temptation to look at pornography because its simply not an option.

I can post this update right now because my girlfriend typed the user password in for me to check my mail and make an update.

If she's not around, the computer is simply unavailable to me.

I've got so much more time to get things done now that I don't waste hours web browsing and looking at pornography.

It's kind of amazing.

Day 3 a Serious approach

2010-04-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

My computer is password protected and so is my girlfriends. Only she knows the password. I only have access to a computer with her present.

Boom.

Pornography addiction is over.

We are also cancelling the internet. That isn't the primary plan because we still pick up neighbors internet though its spotty and weak.

This is good stuff.

Update

2010-04-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

I've joined a mens group and although I haven't found the motivation to attempt quitting pornography, the group has encouraged me to look into it.

Not an easy update to admit

2010-03-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I have not tried to stop watching pornography.

My drive to quit is dead right now.

Day 5 I've pulled myself together

2010-03-03T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm working out, cycling, running.

I've got a job and I'm settling into it.

Things are calming down and I'm happy.

That was a rough week.

No pornography, no exercise, being sick, and having trouble at work caused me a whole lot of stress last week. I'm glad I'm through it but it's important for me to recognize that I hit my threshold and kind of lost it back there. There wasn't a awhole lot I could do... Then again maybe its that kind of thinking thats been holding me back.

Maybe I could have gotten a little, easy exercise and requested sick time at work.

Whatever I do, I've got to stop allowing myself to reach a critical condition where I'm so stressed that I seek escape through pornography.

Day 3 Getting through a rough spot

2010-03-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had a challenging couple of weeks. I ended up disabling my filter with my girlfriend because my stress was crazy and we agreed that I could take a break from attempting to quit until I got myself together.

I got a new job at a cafe. That totally reduced my stress levels and I'm now back on board.

Life is constantly throwing challenges at us. Being prepared, having as much support as we can get, and being completely dedicated to moving forward is so important to beating this addiction.

Day 1 Here we are again

2010-02-22T17:07:00.001-08:00

I don't have much to say yet. I'm still trying, not giving up.

I caved

2010-02-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

Yes, my girlfriend and I took the filter off to watch netflix and forgot to put it back on last night. Today I realized this while having strong strong strong urges.

I'm disappointed.

I feel defeated but I'm going to try again.

Day 25

2010-02-19T13:29:00.000-08:00

I lost my job. I'm not sure whether I quit or was fired but thats that.

Simply and quickly, I had arguments with the bartender because he consistently attempted to get me to do his job for him. He had trouble doing his own job because he somehow convinced management to let him bar-tend and serve tables to increase his tips. When I ran into too much conflict with him, management decided to get rid of me instead of him. It's easier to find a new busser than a new bartender.

I'm now looking to get back into the cafe scene since I realize being a busser is really just signing up to be a whole restaurant's slave.

I doubt I'll find trouble getting a barista position somewhere.

I was really angry about all this last night when it happened but now I'm feeling positive and ready to move on. I don't have much temptation for pornography. It seems that my temptations for pornography were growing with the tension I was experiencing at work and now that it has ended, my temptations have reduced.

Day 24 without pornography

2010-02-18T09:53:00.001-08:00

I had serious urges yesterday.

I had the computer unfiltered and had a pornography page open with my hand in front of the screen blocking my view. I closed the browser and then re-opened the pornography page with my hand in front again then closed it again. UGH.

The computer was unfiltered because I have to take off the filter when my GF and I watch movies on netflix. We forgot to put it back on and man I came close to caving.

I had the thought - JUST CAVE and then restart your attempt. Just give yourself the chance to relax ... going 20 something days is great... if you did that consistently... just looking at porn once every 20 days that would be amazing.

BLAH...

Here I am though, temptation resisted - Barely... 24 days down.

Day 22

2010-02-16T20:35:00.001-08:00

Every day is a struggle right now. I haven't gone this long without pornography in awhile.

Day 21, this is no fun

2010-02-15T22:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to get any exercise for the last week due to being sick. On top of that I feel like I'm going through withdrawal.

I'm having serious anger issues. My tolerance has simply disappeared and I seem to dwell on things that anger me.

I almost got fired from my job for having an argument with a co-worker (both of us almost got fired).

I came very close to quitting because the incident made me so mad.

I decided to play it cool until this week, so that I can get some exercise and see if that clears my head out.

I'm also having trouble falling asleep. I keep dwelling and having cyclical thoughts.

Like I said, I hope exercise sorts this out.

I had a few opportunities to look at pornography this week and I didn't. In those moments, where I had a computer that had access to pornography - the thing that stopped me was I knew that this attempt at quitting is important. I've taken a big step by applying web filters to the computers in my apartment and I feel like... if this fails then nothing will work. That thought is partially true. I can throw my computers out the window but I can't get rid of every computer on earth. If I don't have the ability to abstain from pornography when I'm somewhere outside my home on someone elses computer then what hope do I have?

This issue came up while housesitting for my parents but I succeeded in holding back my temptation for pornography despite the drama of almost getting fired, the discomfort of illness and the huge increase in anger that I've felt recently. This is a major victory but this is no fun.

I hope for sunnier days ahead.

Day 17

2010-02-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

There is no way I can do this without a filter.

I'm facing strong temptation; I have caught myself trying to find a way to skirt by the filter all the time.

One side effect of using this filter is that I have not put in as much effort in reducing my desires for pornography.

I've locked myself out of pornography and left it at that.

Now that I'm looking at going without pornography indefinitely, it is time to think about why I am doing this.

Seeing my girlfriend upset about me using pornography urged me to take action but I don't see that as the primary reason.

Gaining the time back from those hours of pornography usage each week is something I really enjoy and I do count this as a reason.

Another major reason is that when I picture my ideal self in the future, the man I want to become, seeing that future self looking at pornography is a disappointing fate. I see pornography usage as something a man does when he doesn't really have a grip on his life.

Overall these two reasons point to one thing: getting more out of life. We all want more out of life and quitting pornography is just one small step in that direction even if its as small as just allowing more time for things that matter.

Day 15

2010-02-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

Weird stuff going on.

I'm a cyclist. I've done amateur racing but mostly I ride for the physical and psychological benefits of the exercise. Today I woke up with a sore throat and that means no exercise for awhile. When I don't exercise my stress level is a lot higher than normal. This doesn't relate to anything else I'm writing, it's just important for me to be aware of my stress.

I'm also training to be a day trader. Last night I increased the intensity of my internet filter so that I can't use the computer to browse the web aimlessly for hours. I did this because I found myself hopelessly trying to find some kind of pornography that the filter did not block. Well the filter cut off the internet to my trading software and I was unable to trade this morning. I had a choice. I could call my girlfriend at work and ask for the password so that I could trade or I could just take the day off. I opted to take the day off because I knew that if I got my hands on the password, I'd eventually succumb to my urges for pornography.

I fixed the filter so that it doesn't block my trading software and so that it does filter out all web browsing aside from my mailbox, this blog and a few services such as my banking.

Today was interesting though. Because my computer was utterly blocked until my girlfriend got home, I spent the day cleaning the entire apartment, cleaning my bike and taking it to the bike shop and reading a book.

I felt very productive despite feeling sick and I attribute this to not having the internet to play with.

nomorep0rn brought up some interesting points about pornography and cheating on his blog http://nomorep0rn.blogspot.com

I don't mind being on either side of his argument. The one thing I feel strongly about is the guilt associated with pornography even if you consider it cheating.

Guilt is an emotion that we all feel but I don't believe in it is a useful emotion. A lot of guys talk about feeling guilty about their pornography use as if they deserve the negative feeling. This is just a trap we set for ourselves. We look at pornography and then we punish ourselves by feeling guilty then when the guilt fades we look at pornography again. The reason this happens is because guilt is a lame punishment. All it does is make you feel negative and down on yourself which then causes you to feel stressed out. When a human being is feeling negative, down on himself/herself and stressed out, they seek escape. Pornography is a behavior we use to escape and its often the easiest form after one of these guilt sessions we give ourselves.

Guilt therefor is a trick we play on ourselves.

YOU SAY: "Oh I'm so terrible for looking at porn. OK now that I feel negative and have shown remorse, my debt is paid."

Then something stressful happens, your guilt makes you feel like hell or perhaps an area of your life your uncomfortable with stares you in the face and its straight back to pornography.

I say forget guilt, forget about putting yourself down, if your going to get what you want out of life you need to reprogram your thoughts. Stay positive and seek out what you want. Stop playing tricks with yourself. If you don't know whether or not your playing tricks with yourself ask yourself this. Am I doing what I want to do with my life? If not then your probably spending a great deal of your time (life) justifying, making excuses, and flat out lying to yourself.

One thought I had today was this:

If knew that my future son or daughter were to walk almost exactly in my footsteps, how would I live my life from this moment forward?

The question is legitimate. Children learn a great deal about how to live life from their parents. Now I don't want children right now but I'm not foolish enough to think that I can change overnight when that day comes. I want to to start living a life worth living now.

Day 12 I want to cave

2010-02-06T15:49:00.000-08:00

I have no ability to look at pornography right now. I strongly want to. My urges are so strong that I can not resist. I want to cave RIGHT now. Again, I have no ability to look at pornographyso I just suffer the impatience and irritability.

My sex drive is huge. It's only day 12 and I'm experiencing symptoms I felt after months without pornography.

I can't help but look at girls on the street and I can't think straight sometimes.

I caught myself thinking that I have to get a way back into pornography or my sex life will be too boring. I caught myself thinking that I'll go crazy.

I don't know what else to say except that I'm thankful this is happening. Changing.

Day 10

2010-02-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

nomorep0rn said...: Thanks for your blog. I'll have to look at this k9 thing. I feel weird about a "filter", but if it's just a "log" for me it'll be an effective deterrent. I hope. Just started my blog today about this. Thought you might appreciate some support.

You know I thought the same thing. I thought if I was able to see how many wasted hours each week went into pornography that it would motivate me to stay away but in a weak moment it doesn't.

Filtering is an uncomfortable idea because it means going cold turkey without a chance in the world of relapse. It's extreme. If we were trying to quit smoking, it would be like moving to a part of the world where cigarettes aren't sold.

Filtering is scary because on some level we do NOT want to stop watching pornography. Pornography is a helpful, convenient tool for us to deal with something unpleasant in our lives. So to completely give up control over pornography is to completely rid ourselves of a tool.

Going back to the example of trying to quit smoking. Filtering (without the ability to bypass it) is like moving to a far away country where cigarettes don't exist. Whereas, a lot of the other self-imposed limitations we put on ourselves in order to quit porn is like throwing our pack of cigarettes in the garbage. It is a meaningful gesture but hardly an effective means of keeping it out of our lives.

There are two parts of us in this struggle against pornography. There is the responsible part of us that understands pornography is hampering our progress in this life and there is the part of us that wants to continue to look at pornography.

You can't control which part of you is going to show up at any given time. You may be able to suppress that part of you that wants pornography for a period of time but eventually, in a weak moment, it will come back and you'll be right back in the pornography game.

Look at it this way: the responsible quitter in you is the parent and the pornography user in you is the child. As a parent, you cannot monitor your child all the time. By creating a filter on your computer and giving the password to someone else, you are hiring a baby sitter for that child in you.

I'm telling you this is going to work. I'm okay with the presence of fear while taking the big step as long as the big step is taken.

Day 8

2010-02-02T21:03:00.000-08:00

Strong urges but no relapses thanks to k9 web protection. My girlfriend knows the password and I don't. Pornography websites are blocked and I can't do anything about it.

This is going to work.

The Pot Has Boiled Over

2010-01-25T21:36:00.001-08:00

Two days ago I sat hunched over at the computer while my girlfriend slept in the bed a few feet over. I was looking at pornography and she was crying not sleeping.

When I finally came to bed I found her blanket wet from tears and I knew at that moment that big changes were about to occur.

The shame of hurting her evaporated quickly. I've taught myself to never think hateful thoughts like that because it leads no where.

However, I knew something had to be done. A few ideas crossed my mind but my desire to quit pornography faded after a day. I found myself saying "whats the point in trying" when I thought about all the progress I made in the past, such as going over 100 days without pornography, only to find myself back in the same old mindset and habits of looking at pornography daily for hours at a time.

Then tonight my girlfriend came home from work. The door opened and we greeted each other and I felt the familiar excitement of having her warm embrace but then the unfamiliar smell of marijuana.

People have many different views of pot but my girlfriend knows I dislike it. She told me she had quit 6 months ago and here she was with it on her breathe.

We had an emotional talk about the dishonesty we have had with each other about these two habits of which we desire to quit. Now I've taken it upon myself to create a plan of action.

IT'S TIME TO FIGHT FOR VICTORY

We need total honesty with ourselves and each other. The way to accomplish that is for her to get tested regularly and for me to install k9 web protection http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

It's a free program you can install to limit or view what websites have been opened on a computer. You can password protect the program and that's what I intend to do. I'm going to give my girlfriend the password and there's no way I can get on certain sites and no way I can look at pornography without her knowing.

Next I need a back up plan for those times when I feel the need to look at pornography and whens she feels the need to smoke.

These back up plans have to be simple and easy because when I'm under the strain of resisting my urges for pornography I don't have the patience to do anything that requires a lot of thought or effort.

My first idea is to take a walk to some place high. The fresh air and exercise helps reduce stress and the high vantage point helps produce a mentality of looking at the big picture.

My second idea is to go to the liquor store and buy junk food. I would rather, for the time being, eat unhealthy candy bars or what have you then let my addiction to pornography continue. I must have no regret about spending the money or eating unhealthy, this is a substitution that is well worth the cost.

Web browsing or movies/TV are not ideas that I like because they often contain references to sex that have the power to drive me to pornography.

My plan is to come up with further more backup plans and substitutions for pornography and pot until our addictions are overcome.

Quick Update

2010-01-24T00:21:00.000-08:00

The weather has been rough, I haven't been able to get enough exercise.

My stress has been relatively high. Not extreme but high enough that pornography has been an issue.

I'm a bit at a loss right now. I don't have the motivation to try to quit right now.

wow haven't posted in awhile

2010-01-08T10:55:00.000-08:00

I succumbed to porn once again.

I've been clean the last 2 days but I'm struggling at the moment. I lost my job because the restaurant isn't busy Jan - March

So I'm looking for a new job.

Day 5

2009-12-23T12:23:00.001-08:00

Checking in. I'm still clean.

Day 1

2009-12-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

I caved yesterday.

I intend to try again. My target now is to beat 17 days.

Day 17

2009-12-16T11:20:00.000-08:00

Still going strong at the 1/2 month mark.

Day 15 - Tough Love

2009-12-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

This blog has become a beacon for men attempting to rid their habits of watching pornography. One post in particular, called "A Very Important Decision," has gotten over 70 comments from people admitting they have an addiction.

One thing I see alongside the admittance of addiction is self-hate.

"I'm addiction to pornography and I'm a person of little or no value."

KNOCK IT OFF.

You have two choices. Stay addicted to pornography and hate yourself or quit pornography and love yourself. Each choices starts with the hate or love. You cannot quit pornography if you hate yourself.

The fact is a lot of you want to keep hating yourself because it gives you a ticket to look at pornography and do all kinds of other things that aren't healthy for you.

Saying "I'm worthless" means that you are not capable of quitting pornography. Saying "I'm worthless" in any of its forms gives you the permission to do WHATEVER THE HELL you want no matter if it hurts you or others because:

- A worthless person can't do anything right.
- How the hell are you expected to stop using pornography when you are worthless and can't do anything right?
- How can anyone hold poor old you accountable when your just a worthless person?

Every one who visits this blog shows that they have the potential to change themselves. It's evident in your willingness to read about quitting pornography. If you are willing to read about quitting pornography, that means a small part of you believes that its possible and something worthwhile.

You have got to grow that part of you. You have to spend time thinking about the reasons why you want to quit porn.

After awhile you have to start visiting with the part of you that desires pornography. You cannot fight yourself. You have to approach yourself as a diplomat would approach a foreign leader. You must understand the reasons why you look at pornography. Look at the benefits that pornography give you. Do this without hate. Do it like you would if you were an explorer observing a previously undiscovered animal.

Once you understand what drives you to pornography you can begin implementing a resolution.

Does stress push you into pornography?
Does the fact that you don't have any fun push you into pornography?
Does the fact that your life has no purpose push you into pornography?
Are you a slave to your boss/family/girlfriend/wife/friends and does that push you into pornography?

The truth is, pornography is a distraction. It shuts down your brain and gives you pleasure so that you don't have to think about what's bothering you.

You cannot quit pornography unless you address the underlying causes that drive you to look at it. Start by choosing to fight back against your self-hate.

Day 13

2009-12-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

I wanted to pop in and say that I'm still clean on Day 13.

I also just want to say that this blog has helped me tremendously. I would have never attempted to kick the habit of pornography for this long without this blog.

As I keep adding to it, it becomes a stronger and stronger base for me to return to.

Day 10

2009-12-09T08:38:00.001-08:00

Still hanging in there. No strong urges yet.

Day 9

2009-12-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

Making progress 1 day at a time.

Its amazing how repeated attempts just last longer and longer. I start out trying to quit porn and can last maybe a day. Then I try 10 more times and I can last a week. 20 more tries and a month goes by without porn.

Repeated attempts definitely helped me achieve over a 100 days without pornography and even though I eventually started looking at pornography again, these repeated attempts to quit pornography, lowered the amount of time I spend watching pornography overall.

If I wasn't repeatedly attempting to quit pornography, I would be watching it daily. Instead, I'm struggling to quit and I may look at pornography once a week and then after awhile, once a month and then a few months at a time.

Maybe the cure is this dogged determination. Just keep trying to make it a day longer than the last try.

Day 8

2009-12-07T14:34:00.000-08:00

2 days ago I made a decision to stop using the computer and to stop watching television (including movies).

It's amazing how much more time I have to do things. The computer and television waste so much of our lives.

I get bored but then I realize that there are an infinite number of things I can do that don't involve the computer or television.

I'm on the computer right now (obviously) but just to write in my blog and do some work.

I made a firm decision in my mind to keep the computer off aside from doing work and posting here and I'm sticking to it.

It feels great. I started an architectural drawing, worked out in the gym, cleaned quite a bit more than normal, and have been cycling for 2 hours the last 3 days in a row.

This is an awesome start.

Day 1

2009-11-30T15:49:00.000-08:00

Caved on day 7.

This is familiar territory. As I keep making attempts, I make it a little farther each time. Sometimes it takes some learning and self-observation to get farther the next time around, other times it just takes practice in facing your urges and your habits.

This time I caved while at my parents. This is something that I've noticed in the past. I looked at pornography a ton when I was living with my parents and that house just brings it out in me. I remember being able to resist with patience and practice.

It's kind of fun to be trying relentlessly to quit porn again. When you don't beat yourself up, it just becomes a game where you learn about yourself, recognize challenges you've faced before, and use techniques you've created to make it a day farther than before.

I've done 100 days without porn before... Now its time to try a year.

A year is a long long time but I want an ambitious goal.

Day 5

2009-11-27T22:54:00.000-08:00

I'm ok. 5 days have gone by without a hitch.

I'm still injured and stressed because I cannot exercise.

Worked 10 hours on Thanksgiving at my new restaurant job.

More later... Very tired.

Day 1

2009-11-23T10:30:00.000-08:00

I'm embarrassed to admit that soon after writing about how easy it felt to stay clean, I fell into pornography again that night.

I can tell that I'm not taking this as seriously as I once have.

I want to examine the reasons why I want to quit pornography. If I think about that for awhile that may recharge my batteries.

Nonetheless I'm starting another attempt today.

Day 5

2009-11-22T13:22:00.000-08:00

The last 5 days have been easy.

My life is in order. I have a job, I have a girlfriend, I have a nice place to live, and my stress isn't too high. I have a knee injury that is preventing me from cycling.

That said, things have been easy so far.

Have fun, have friends, have a woman, and relax. That's what it takes for me to to feel no urge for pornography. The friends part is missing. I don't feel a strong urge to make and keep friends. This is something I want to sort out.

Day 2

2009-11-19T15:02:00.000-08:00

I was about to look at pornography and then I remembered that I'm starting an approach so I stopped.

I may have an edge come January because my girlfriend and I are switching to an appartment and we're cancelling internet.

I'll have internet in the cafe nextdoor but none in my room.

That ought to really cut down on pornography use.

Tomorrow is Day 1

2009-11-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

It's time to start trying again. I don't believe I can do it yet. There's always something going on to add stress to my life and make quitting porn challenging but if I just keep using excuses I'll never get anywhere.

This time, I've suffered a knee injury due to overtraining for next racing season (I'm a cyclist). I'm limping around and I've been off the bike for at least a week and it's driving me crazy.

I've looked at pornography today so tomorrow I'll start a new attempt. The comments this blog has gotten are amazing. It's cool how strangers can come together around a cause they care about.

Update

2009-11-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

My pornography use is low yet still present. I may look 2 times a week or so. I found a job. I start tomorrow. The anticipation of whether or not I will be able to keep it in these uncertain times has kept me a little on edge. I'm working out what I'd like to do with my life by setting up some goals and I'm getting plenty of support from my girlfriend.

Once things get rolling with my job I may attempt to quit again.

I don't like to procrastinate with quitting pornography by making it conditional and I want to be able to stay clean of pornography no matter what is going on in my life but I simply am not skilled enough at dealing with stress to be able to quit pornography while I'm out of work. It is certainly something that I want to learn though.

3 Weeks of Pornography

2009-10-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

The higher stress I've experienced from being out of work has lead to consistent pornography use.

I haven't posted anything in the last two weeks because I haven't even attempted to stay off pornography.

Thankfully after all the time I've spent trying to quit and because of the foundation this blog has given me, quitting pornography is always at the back of my mind.

I have a high chance of getting a job today and this may mean a reduction in my levels of stress.

If that happens, I may take charge and attempt to quit again.

No Job = strong urges for pornography

2009-10-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

Not much to add. I'm hoping to find a job soon. Until then, it'll be damn challenging to stay off pornography.

Stress and Pornography

2009-09-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

I'm without a job after today, having served my two weeks notice. I'm planning on stepping up the search tomorrow but until I find a job I feel its going to be an extra challenge to keep my stress levels low. When you work minimum wage jobs all it takes is a month without work to be back to ground one after saving money for months and months.

I've been caving the last few days

2009-09-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Stress!

Stress has had me caving the last few days.

I decided to quit my job because I was being lured along by my managers into thinking that if I worked hard enough that I would get promoted. Weeks turned to months and eventually I figured out that they never intended to promote me. Working harder than my better paid co-workers and being passed up on promotion has caused me a lot of stress.

So I'll be job hunting in the next couple of days. I'm also moving in a week or so. All of this has been stressful and I've caved to pornography as a result.

A lot of you guys who read this blog are Christians or what not. I'm not religious but I do believe in some Buddhist ideas.

Being in the present
Loving the universe
Believing that I can create anything
Being detached

These ideas are very powerful and when I take the time to really live them in the present moment, it helps me cope with challenging situations.

My hope is that I'll turn to these ideas in the next few days instead of pornography during this stressful time.

Day 8

2009-09-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

Still going strong. I'm staying off the computer and focusing on developing my hobbies and just things I like to do in my spare time. It's amazing how much time things like television and web browsing can take up. Once you free yourself, you'll have all this time for you to figure out what you actually want to be doing.

My stress has been relatively low the last few weeks and I can thank that for being able to go the last 8 days without pornography.

Day 3

2009-09-09T10:29:00.001-07:00

I've been clean for a few days. It's not because of any special strategy, I've just lacked any desire for pornography.

I'd like to attempt to stay off the computer again.

Caved in a few days ago

2009-09-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

I got lazy with my efforts to stay off the computer. I'm thrilled that I went 20+ days though.

In a stressful moment with the computer on... I just caved so easily however.

I'm going to talk to my roommate about this and think of some ideas on how I can stay off the computer.

Day 21

2009-08-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 weeks now and I'm still clean.

Over 20 days without porn! I'm happy about this.

The only times I feel urges are when I'm actually on the computer or when I consider using it for whatever reason.

Even now as I type this, I have a heightened desire for pornography simply because I'm online.

So I'm going to keep this short.

Get off the computer... Find something else to do with your life than browse the internet. Seriously, give away your computer if you have to. You're never going to look back on fond memories of being in front of a monitor.

Have a good day guys.

Day 17

2009-08-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

Still clean off porn.

A few things have helped me go this far compared to the few weeks before this attempt where all I could do was a few days.

1. I got a roommate and that cuts down on the amount of time I have to myself in my room.

2. I stopped using the computer for anything other than my work. This is a tough decision and because I've been able to stick to this rule I've been able to avoid a lot of urges. I do want to say that if I wasn't able to stick to this rule, I would give my computer to a friend to hold onto until I felt I could.

Day 10

2009-08-17T07:55:00.001-07:00

So far I'm pleased with my progress. 10 days has been the farthest I've gone in quite a while.

My new strategy of just staying off the computer completely is great. I'm not wasting time web browsing either which I like.

At some stages of my addiction, I wouldn't trust myself to just stay away from the computer and I would suggest if thats whats happening to you... to just give your computer to a friend to store for you.

Just prevent yourself from having access to the internet.

I know the internet is great, and email is great, blah blah blah. But deep down you'll find that you don't need this stuff and it's consuming most of your time (the stuff your life is made of). You only have one life, get off the computer.

Restarted (Day 3) - a different approach

2009-08-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile because I looked at porn soon after the previous post and then I decided to take a different approach.

I've been staying off the computer completely. My job requires me to use my laptop but other than that I've just stayed off the computer.

If my job didn't require a computer I would honestly just give my laptop to a friend and go completely without a computer.

For now, the best I can do is use my will power to just stay off the computer completely when I'm not working.

Eventually, I'd like to get an office outside home so that I wouldn't have access to the a computer at all at home.

Thats not going to happen for awhile though. Anyways, still driving forward.

Day 1

2009-08-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

I ended up looking at pornography once again last night. Today I'm clean.

I'm gonna keep fighting even if my attempts only last a day. I'm attempting to meditate daily to reduce my stress and gain some clarity and focus. It helped me stay clean today.

Day 1

2009-07-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

This is the 300th post of this blog.

What has caused all this stress and pornography lately?

In the past it was these things:

Lack of sex
Lack of friends
Lack of relaxation
Lack of fun

For some reason I felt like it was different this time but now that I think about it... it's no different.

Lack of relaxation... I've been expecting a lot from myself these lack few weeks... and because I haven't been able to do as much as I wanted, I've felt stress and a desire to escape...

Escape in the form of pornography and the internet.

If I want to quit I've got to remember why I want to quit to boost my desire and then I have to work on what is causing my urges: stress.

broke down already

2009-07-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

... I'm floored with how strong my urges have been the last few weeks. I'm floored by how little resistance I've been able to put up.

Regardless, I'd like to get back into the ring. I'm going to try to do some NLP exercises that I've used in the past.

Day 1

2009-07-26T21:15:00.000-07:00

The only way to get better at this is to keep trying.

I've got my feet on the ground and I'm ready to try again.

Still Struggling

2009-07-21T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a lot of stress. It's interesting how I went from going 20 days without porn and feeling strong to just feeling like I don't even want to quit.

Right now, at this moment, I don't want to quit porn. I mean I want to quit but not today... I'm telling myself that as soon as the stress dies down I'll attempt to quit again.

This is ridiculous. I can't quit porn if I'm this stressed out. I've got to figure this crap out. I've talked to multiple people and everyone is telling me I have to relax more.

Struggling

2009-07-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

The last week has been tough regarding pornography.

I said I would try to reduce my stress but my techniques aren't cutting it. Everyone keeps telling me that I push myself really hard...

Maybe thats the key issue? I'm not sure how to resolve that. It's as easy as just not pushing myself hard. I like working hard...

Day 2

2009-07-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

Checking in.

This attempt is an experiment. I want to see if I can reconfigure my lifestyle and my mentality in such a way that I'm way under my threshold for stress.

I think between living a life with a low level of stress combined with some relaxation techniques (like taking a hot bath) could mean a life without pornography.

I caved

2009-07-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

I overworked myself and had a few bad days at work and my streak came to an end.

One good thing is that I didn't just overwork myself to the point of caving to pornography. I worked hard to a certain point where I felt some stress but not so much that I caved... It was the combination of having high expectations and then having a few things outside my control (like two aggravating days at work) to send me over the edge.

I think what this tells me is that its not enough to work really hard and relax just enough not to look at pornography because sometimes its not me and my own work ethic that causes stress. Sometimes things happen TO me that are really stressful and if I am already close to the threshold then I am gonna fall back into porn.

From this experience, I'd like to try an experiment. I want to find a way to do the things that I want to do without being anywhere near my stress threshold.

I want to narrow down exactly what I want and then find a way to put in action towards those desires without all the stress and forcing myself to do things that I don't want to do.

Day 20

2009-07-09T19:07:00.001-07:00

Okay, I got some comments and now I have a few things to say.

First, let me say that the last couple of days have been rough. I exchanged numbers with a few girls 3 weeks ago and nothing happened. I got angry and resentful, I treated every women I ran into as if they didn't exist and then I let the hatred subside and got back to just being myself... then I heard back from both those girls and it sent me back into a confused state of fear and anger. Why? Because I feared being hurt again and because I didn't like being ignored for 3 weeks.

The point is I came close to caving because of this incident. I looked at sexual forums for the last few days and though I don't count that as looking at pornography, its definitely something I don't want to do.

I'm aware of my vulnerable state and I'm refocusing my attention on the areas of my life that are going well (like the fact that I'm training hard to be a amateur cyclist racer) and on relaxing (taking a hot bath/shower with the lights low - my preferred method of relaxation).

One of the reasons I look at porn is to relieve stress... however, because I've learned this I can do something different instead: acknowledge when I'm stressed out (awareness) and then relieve the stress by relaxing (there's a million techniques, look some up and find what works best for you.)

Someone else mentioned loneliness as a cause of urges for pornography and that couldn't be more true for me. I used to be way more isolated and that caused me a great deal of pain which I solved through daily use of pornography. For the most part that has been solved by my job, oddly enough. I work in a cafe now and the daily interaction with my co-workers and customers has allowed me to socialize in a structured way (which is my preference).

Because I work at a cafe, I've also met people who share interests with me (like cycling and day trading - which is similar to investing) and I've made friends this way which has solved a second issue that used to cause me to look at pornography: lack of friends.

Back in January of this year I met a girl and we've been "friends with benefits" without being exclusive since then. This has allowed me to feel okay with meeting other women and explore dating (which is important to me) while at the same time meeting my need for sex (this being another issue that used to cause me to look at pornography: lack of sex or the perception that sex wasn't going to occur anytime soon).

These four things that cause me to look at porn (I discovered them with much effort a long time ago) are pretty well resolved at the moment. Acknowledging my need to have these bases covered and being proactive about keeping these needs met has allowed me to go these 20 days pretty easily. This blog is also a great tool in maintaining my awareness of urges and desire to quit.

So to sum up what has helped me go 100 days in the past is:

1. Find out what causes you to feel urges. The best way is to notice when you are looking at porn or feeling a strong desire to look and to take note of what problems or issues have come up recently. Once you do that, think about how these problems made you feel. Lonely? Stressed out?

2. Find alternative solutions to the feelings that propel you towards pornography. Porn is a tool to make you feel better when your down, find a different tool (and don't force it, find one that you actually like because otherwise you'll eventually go back to porn - you're not superman).

3. Keep a journal or blog or something so that you can focus your effort and gain awareness of yourself.

4. Remember that none of these things are quick fixes. If you think you can run through these 3 steps in a day, forget about it. This is why you want to start a journal; it'll allow you to slowly day by day figure this stuff out at your own pace. Hopefully you can gain something from what I've learned but you're not me so your recovery is going to be different than mine.

5. Lastly develop a balanced life. I'm not going to go into the specifics, there's plenty of information on the web about this. Find out what it means to live a balanced life and then do it. It allows you to have stability when your having a bad day regarding one area of your life because you'll have 2-5 other areas that are doing just fine. I've never come up with any kind of strategy (visualizations, NLP, mental exercises, exercise, affirmations, I've tried a lot of stuff) that can keep me feeling as stable as having a balanced life.

I'm surprised how logical and structured this post came out to be. Sorry it wasn't more lively and interesting.

I love you guys, keep your chins up.

Day 16

2009-07-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

Still going strong.

I had some strong urges a few days ago but I stayed away from pornography.

I'd like to write some more in depth posts but I just haven't had the time.

Nonetheless, I'm happy to be at day 16 already. I'm happy with my progress so far.

Day 11

2009-06-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

Wow, day 11 already?

I've had a close call recently in which I was searching the internet and came across some sexy pictures (not nude but still of a sexual nature) and it was hard to tame my desire to keep searching for more.

I don't feel any urges right now but the one thing I've learned about pornography addiction is that the urges hit very hard and very fast out of nowhere.

I'm doing my best to be aware of my level of frustration and I'm working on strategies for relaxing. One simple thing I've been doing is taking baths and I've found that they really lower my stress.

Anyways more later.

Day 6

2009-06-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

Still going strong.

Motivation to succeed is high.

Learning how to relax is challenging. I'm just a beginner at the game of relaxing.

I want to write some longer posts but I've been busy.

I plan on taking it easy tomorrow, I hope I'll take the time to write more.

Day 5

2009-06-24T19:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we're almost done with week 1. I spent the last two days vacationing in a small town up the coast and I feel well rested and relaxed.

It's amazing how stressed out I can be and not realize it. I literally slept 12 hours on my day off. I got so relaxed that the contrast between how I felt relaxing on the beach and how I felt back home, being so stressed out that I had to look at pornography, was striking.

How do learn how to take the time to relax. Furthmor, once I decide to relax, how do I go about doing that?

This is something I'm going to think about.

Day 1 - Starting Over

2009-06-20T12:24:00.000-07:00

Wow, I thought I would last a lot longer than 2 days this time around. I caved last night. I share my room with my roommate and he's gone for four days on vacation. I feel like my urges skyrocketed because of having the room to myself.

Right now I want to boost my motivation to quit.

Here are the reasons I want to quit pornography.

1. Pornography is a band-aid fix for things in my life that bother me. Instead of moving through the pain and discomfort of resolving conflicts and issues in my life, I often "zone out" with pornography in order to hide from the pain. Quitting pornography would allow me to tackle the issues in my life and come out a better man.

2. Pornography wastes time. My schedule is busy because being busy is the kind of lifestyle I enjoy. I enjoy accomplishing things. Pornography saps my ability to do that because I spend 1-2 hours or more sometimes a day looking at it. Worse yet, sometimes I do it late at night and end up not getting enough sleep for the next day. Pornography puts me into this daze in which time flies by. Quitting pornography would free up time for me to do the things I really want to do.

3. Pornography lowers my motivation. It lowers my drive for real women, to make friends, to accomplish things, to take care of myself, and to do anything other than take a nap afterwards. If I quit pornography, I would have a stronger drive towards the things that bring lasting happiness: relationships, accomplishment, and a healthier lifestyle.

4. Pornography lowers my self-respect. I want to be careful about this one. I DO NOT encourage anyone to beat themselves up over pornography use. Viewing pornography is a behavior and behavior is simply a tool for getting something that we want. When you break things down, most behavior that isn't tied to attaining the essentials of life (food, water, etc.) are meant to fulfill some sort of emotional need (attention, love, relaxation, calmness, etc.). So pornography is not some evil, perverted act, its merely a tool we have learned to use in order to meet some sort of emotion need. There is no reason to believe that you are lesser of a human being just because you use the best tool that you know of to meet your needs. That's just common sense. However, there are other tools out there aside from pornography that we can learn. On top of that when I imagine the person I want to be in the future: my ideal self, it is not someone who views pornography.

So I'm on day one again. Gaining awareness of my urges and where they are coming from is my goal for today.